I've began so many posts in the last few weeks. They have all ended up so angry and scary sounding I've been horrified to actually publish them. I was reading back on them earlier this week and I couldn't help but to cry uncontrollably. To know I'm feeling that much pain makes it that much more painful...if that even makes sense.
When I haven't posted in awhile, my soul gets dark. Maybe because I haven't had enough time to myself to actually write, or maybe because when one doesn't self express it squelches a part of their personality.
My heart has, once again, been filled with a bitter hate. Pray for me. Please. Things transpired have burned a part of me so badly that it feels beyond repair. Yet, I know with proper care, prayer, forgiveness, angry tears, and then of course, tears of a letting it go origin will I find healing and peace. Probably not for the last time. It seems as soon as I find healing and peace from one thing, another takes its place. I suppose that's what life is all about. Moving from one challenge to another. (Speaking of moving...we're moving. Physically. More details on that later. In the mean time, if you know someone looking for a house in the east mountains...send them our way. We're working with a Realtor as of last Monday.)
I need counseling. I know this. I don't know if it's pride, or fear keeping me from seeking the help I need. Probably some of both.
I can see the pain in my own face. I can feel the bitterness making my heart hard and not pliable. I can see the effects it's having on my life and those around me.
Right now, I'm feeling the pain. I'm letting it run it's course like I usually do. Maybe it's just that there is so much of it this time, that it's causing that much more damage to me spiritually and emotionally...and mentally.
Putting a smile on my face, and going on with my daily tasks seems to be getting more and more difficult. When people you're with on a daily basis start to notice, it's time to get things back in check. Or maybe just let them fall apart completely. Maybe that's where the putting back together stuff starts. I don't know.
I don't know what to do about all of this. Besides counseling. I suppose that's my answer, right now.
Regardless of this pain and well...trauma, I have an amazing man by my side. I have incredible children. All these beautiful people and so many others surrounding me. I am blessed. I know this. Yet these wounds fester and bleed.
I could continue this blog of self pity for awhile...but I'll stop myself.
I've started writing a book. I'll keep it's title a secret for now. As the next few months unfold, and things become more knowledgeable to the public, I'll announce it. One reason I'm telling you this is so you'll hold me accountable to finish the book. To have it professionally published. Ideally, I'd love to do a book tour, and tell my story.
I want people to know that regardless of dark times, and challenging years...or decades, there is hope. There is light. There is peace. There is guidance from an ever loving and present God. I so want to share my observations and learning of this part of my life.
All in due time.
