No Less of a Woman...Still

After Isaiah was born, I wrote an article for a newsletter my dad was publishing. The labor and delivery was the furthest from what we imagined and wanted it to be. I thought about being upset, or mad, or any host of emotions about how his birth went.

I decided that even though it didn't go anywhere near how I wanted it to go, my body still did what it was supposed to do. I carried and birthed a beautiful baby. Even if I would have had to have a c-section, I still would have birthed a baby. The article I wrote was called No Less of a Woman.

My body did exactly what it was supposed to do, therefore, I was no less of a woman. 

Almost 3 years ago, after a yearly exam, I was told I had precancerous changes of my cervix. We managed it for awhile. They told us that if we wanted another baby we shouldn't waste time. After Madalynne was born, we found that it had progressed. Dramatically. We did a few tests. They gave me some options.

We decided that if we fought it, we ran the risk of me not being healthy enough to take care of the wonderful children we already have. I'd sacrifice years of their childhood for a small chance at maybe having another baby one day. A baby that we weren't sure we wanted. 

We decided that three was a pretty great number. I mean, that's perfect right? Isaiah, Janice-May, Madalynne? That's beautiful. At least, I think it is....and that's all that matters.  

After talking with my doctor about it, and having another biopsy done we decided it was best to go ahead and remove the culprit.

Soooo....goodbye baby factory. 

The insurance company came through. Thankfully. 

Next month I'm having a hysterectomy. 

For my kids. 

For my quality of life. 

For my husband.

For the cost effectiveness of it.

I'm slightly terrified it's going to leave me feeling empty, less of a woman, and like I'm somehow broken and damaged beyond repair. That's definitely better than the alternative, but still...terrified.

I know I've accomplished what I wanted to. Having babies.

Some might call me crazy, but that's what I always wanted while I was growing up; To have a bunch of little rug rats running around. I love it...even though it does indeed drive me crazy.

And I know without a doubt that this is the very best choice for me. I'm young. I have my whole life ahead of me.

I feel selfish...yet somehow like I am giving up a part of myself. It's all a matter of perspective, I suppose.