"Hi! How are you?"
"I'm okay. How are you?
or
"Not bad. How are you?
or
"I'm tired. How are you?"
...so on and so forth.
For the first time in 6 years, I heard myself answer that question with "I'm doing well..." and I meant it.
It surprised me.
I AM doing well. I smiled and teared up a bit.
It almost feels like I'm tempting fate saying that out loud.
Regardless, the day has come. I've found my happy, once again.
Before now, the truly joyful moments were sprinkled sparsely among the darkest years of my life. There could be darker years ahead. I know that, but I like to believe that the worst is behind me. That keeps me from wanting to quit life.
Aaaanyway. This joy stuff. I almost don't know what to do with it. Now, the dark days are sprinkled sparsely among the joyful ones. I'm not incapacitated by letters from Dad. I'm not stressing out about not wanting to answer Mom's phone calls. It's okay if I don't feel up to responding to letters or answering phone calls. My happiness doesn't depend on pleasing other people anymore. That is incredibly freeing!
Yes, I want to make my children happy. I want to make my husband happy. But that desire isn't abusive anymore. I want to make them happy because it brings me and them joy. Not because I'm afraid of what they'll think or do if I don't.
Loving someone, caring for someone when it is truly what you want to do, and not just what someone expects of you...that is powerful.
