Missing Pieces

Learning never ends. Neither does observation.

Over the past couple of weeks, my emotions have been somewhat unpredictable. Fighting with what hurts more. Physical pain, or emotional pain. And expressing emotional pain being physically painful. Thus, smothering emotional pain to avoid further physical pain. Don't worry, I'm not cutting myself or anything. Sheesh. After surgery, expressing any kind of emotion was pretty painful for awhile. Laughing hurt. Crying hurt. I never realized how much I used my abdominal muscles. Now we know. Hah! Anyhoo, back to what has been learned through this...process.

When I'm suppressing my emotions, good or bad, its much more difficult to be with God. During worship on Sunday I found myself sitting there, completely disengaged. I couldn't get with God, at all. It was like I could see Him. But I couldn't hear Him, and I couldn't touch Him. He was just barely out of my reach. Frustrating much? Yes. Very much so. So this week I've been really irritable, and cranky.

My heart felt full, but heavy and dark. After doing some writing (see previous post), crying and praying, my heart feels much lighter...and slightly empty, partly because a few of it's pieces are temporarily gone, and partly because I haven't had sufficient God Time. The God Time is being filled...slowly, but He's creeping back in. And soon or later the rest of the pieces will be back. Sooner would be best, but there's no telling, I suppose.

But this 'empty time' is going by quickly. I woke up this morning knowing what I was doing today and knowing what I was doing tomorrow, but I couldn't believe tomorrow is Saturday. So perhaps this will all be over before we know it.

A note for you, and you, and you...etc.

I need to see these things written down so I can let go, and move on...and possibly get some points across to a few people who's communication with me has been prohibited. It's hard to keep any emotion locked up for any amount of time. So this being my safe place, here it is. If this is to you, you'll know it.

1) It breaks my heart that I haven't seen you in so long. I want to hug you and not let go. I want to cry tears of joy on your shoulder. I took fore-granted how much you mean to me. I miss you. I love you. I can't wait to see you.

2) Thank you for holding my hand through this. I'm so thankful to have someone that throughly understands what's going on. Your kind words and advice keep me moving forward. Thank you, again.

3) Isaiah keeps asking for you. He cries when we tell him you have gone away and won't be back for awhile. I know he'll squeeze you half to death when he sees you next. Soon, is what we're holding on to.

4) I hope you know the grief and pain you've caused. I love you still, but that doesn't change anything. Next time, contemplate the consequences of your actions...before you act. You're smart. We know this, but this is stupid. Stupid and ridiculous. You know how you should have gone about this, but yet you didn't and now there is more heartbreak then you can ever imagine.

5) If we see each other in the near future, I suggest you run...and possibly hide. You've torn what I love the most in half and I can't say I'll forgive and forget anytime soon.

6) I admire your ability to hold on to the bigger picture. I can't imagine how you're feeling right now. This will be over sooner or later. Sooner is what I'm focusing on.

I'm ready. Lets do this!!

I've taken my wonderful pain free body for granted. At the end of October, I was in the emergency room for some pretty severe abdominal pain. I was pretty sure it was gallbladder related only because I had gallstones while I was pregnant with Janice-May. They went away...or so we thought. The pain was pretty related.

I had a few episodes over the previous months, but they were never unbearable, and usually fixed by a heat pack and the occasional a glass of wine. I thought this episode was going so fade too. It didn't. Nearly 3 weeks, 2 HIDA scans, more blood work than anyone should ever have done, and an ultrasound, not only do I feel like a human pin cushion, but I have gallstones again, and I'm in more pain that child birth. At least child birth is productive.

These stones are not the kind that can easily be seen, but rather the kind that basically shred my gallbladder. The visual the surgeon gave me was filling a balloon with Jello and sharp edged gravel, and then squeezing it. Youch. No wonder! So my gallbladder is being lacerated from the inside out. Great. That would explain the 'polyps' they saw...not actually polyps, but scar tissue. Ew.

I met the Surgeon last week. She looked over my tests and said surgery would need to take place. So tomorrow at 5:30am I will begin my prep for surgery at the hospital. I've never been more excited to be cut open, however this means that I will be pain free in the long run. I'm so excited, I might pop. My taste-buds and my insides will get to be happy at the same time...eventually.

I decided that I should be very well educated in the gallbladder removal process. Bad idea. Very bad idea. I watched a video of a laparoscopic gallbladder removal. Why? Because I'm curious. Well, curiosity killed the cat...her name was Lady. But that's another story. So anyhoo...upon thinking about tomorrow, I think I might barf, knowing whats they'll be doing to my insides. The only thing keeping said barf from making it's appearance, is the knowledge that I won't be in constant pain for much longer, and for that I am eternally grateful.

A note for you

Here's a note for you, my adorable small people. So many things you do just amaze me so much. And so many of them I forget before I can share them. I wish I could carry around a video recorder all the time to capture these moments.

Isaiah, yesterday, while we were at Alexis' house you were eating some skittles. You suddenly ran into the room with a skittle between each of your thumbs and pointer fingers exclaiming "Mom!! S's." I nearly burst from pride. We've been working on your alphabet for quite some time now. You've learned them so well, and even point out letters and their sounds on billboards, cereal boxes, buildings, and anything else your cute self happens to observe...including skittles! I was a bit shocked...and did I mention, proud?

You have also mastered the art of making sure your 'potties' make it in the potty without first taking a detour through you pants. Ta-da! You even wake up dry from naps and most mornings. You've throughly impressed me, little dude. You're eating abilities have also caused a few jaw drops. I wonder to myself where you fit all that food, then I remember that your teenage years are ahead (far ahead, but ahead none the less). Whew! I guess we should prepare, huh? I love you, my boy, and I will happily keep as many refrigerators stocked as it takes.

As for you, Miss Janice-May. You have become quite the Drama Queen. You have also mastered tantrum throwing. We're working on putting an end to it. It's tough though, mainly because you're much too adorable when you flop on the floor screaming. I try hard not to laugh as I know this only encourages such escapades, but it's rather humorous.

Yesterday, we caught you climbing off the couch. You were quite successful. It made my heart ache a little bit. Partly from pride, partly because you are growing up much too quickly for my liking.

You are in to everything, including dog food. I like to claim this will help keep your hair shiny and your teeth (that will hopefully be here soon!) strong. But then I realize this probably is only accurate when referring to canines. Maybe I should stock Isaiah's refrigerator with some snacks for you too. You prefer steak, peaches, and Ritz crackers. And you refuse baby food of any kind. Can't say I blame you though. That stuff is nasty!! No wonder they feed it to kids that can't talk.

I know I get frustrated sometimes, but I love you both more than words can say.

Bruises

It has started. The never ending quest to acquire new bruises. Jayme is crawling just like Isaiah did. Face down, plowing into anything in her way. Which equals a large amount of forehead bruising.

She is also standing quite a bit now. Meaning increased slipping and falling. Which in turn equals screaming, tears, snot, and a little sweat and blood.

It breaks my heart every time, too. Before I can get to her, she's developed a knot and a blue bruise. It eventually fades into an ugly dark purple, then it disappears all together just in time for another incident.

I keep saying that she'll only do it a few times before she learns to watch where she is going, but she continually proves me wrong.

Going to the Pediatrics office scares me a bit. At Jayme's check up this month, the Nurse Practitioner informed me that she has a good amount of bruises for a baby her age. Whew!

None the less, her cuteness tends to overwhelm me. When all hope is lost of her going down for a nap or going to bed at all, she starts to snuggle and holds on to her ear (no, she does not have an ear infection. The Dr checked). Then she peacefully drifts off to sleep, once again winning my heart over.

Beautiful baby girl, I'm excited for you to read all of these posts when you're older.

Kisses

Isaiah is very insistent upon getting 'morning kisses', 'goodnight kisses', and 'because I want chocolate kisses'. It makes my day, every time. He little lips all puckered up.

Jayme is giving kisses now too. It's adorable. Mouth opened, slobbery, squealing kisses.

Jon has always given me kisses. That is also adorable.

How is it that kisses from those 3 people makes my tummy do flips? Maybe it is the amount of love being transfered via kisses. I'm not quite sure, but that is my theory.

I'm constantly astounded at the amount of love I can have for a single human being. It feels like my heart might explode. It's swollen up to a million times it's normal size. I feel all warm and whole. Cozy and delighted. You know what? It feels like a hug from God when I love someone that much.

And now I'm realizing how silly my feelings look in writing. But maybe that is because feelings are not usually written down.

I'll make you a promise right now. No matter how silly, or ridiculous my feelings look on paper...or on a computer screen, I'll always write them down. Partly because I love writing, and partly because you should know how I feel. You should know that my feelings are an open book. You should know that I wear them on my sleeve even if it looks silly or a little too out there. Oh and partly because I love sharing...sometimes.

And partly because this is my blog, and by reading it, it would seem that you want to know a bit more about me. Am I being narcissistic?

You Learn - Alanis Morissette

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

And today we learn a little more. Through all these things mentioned in such a profound song. We're never too old to learn something new. And learning something new is usually quite the process. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it doesn't. However, learning is always enlightening...at some point or another.

It will run out and this too shall pass...eventually

Last night was a night that could be forgotten. Jayme barely napped yesterday which is a bit odd for her. She usually naps like a champ. Her napping totaled out at less than 2 hours. Not a happy total. She was cranky, I was cranky...and when mama ain't happy, nobody's happy.

During dinner she finally started to get sleepy. We gave her a bottle, massaged her, rocked her and put her to bed. After 2 and a half hours of her screaming, us comforting her, rocking her, and bouncing her...and after producing enough tears and sweat to fill the bath tub, she finally passed out. It was miserable for everyone, except Isaiah. He didn't have a nap either, so he went to bed early. Ah, to be so peaceful during a time of chaos.

When Jayme was at last tucked away in her crib, sleeping soundly like the princess we all know and love, Jon and I decided to make some 'adult' hot cocoa. And being the before bed snack eater that I've become, I decided to have strawberries and whipped topping.

As I read my beloved addiction of Better Home and Garden magazine, I apparently, single 'mouthedly' consumed the entire carton of strawberries...and the whole can of whipped cream. About the time the can started spraying madly in every direction due to it being mostly empty I discovered I had just eaten the last strawberry.

What am I getting at with my enormous description of strawberry eating? Well...the first thing I thought of (after the frustration that my snack was all gone) was that when your patience is just about to run out, the situation requiring you to use patience, usually ends.

When I was just at my ropes end, Jayme decided to bless us with silence and a full nights sleep...and just as my strawberries were gone via my ridiculous snacking, the whipped cream ran out.

A few new chapters, and a continuation.

A bit of time has passed and so much has happened I'm a bit overwhelmed as where to start. I'll share with you the most exciting of these happenings.

#1) My book is here!!!! Well...the experimental copy, anyways. I used a program called shutterfly for the layout and what not. It's basically giving me an idea of how it's going to look...and how I want it to look. There are a few changes that need to be made. And it won't be for sale until the first 12 mini books are done. Each mini book contains 30 (or so) 'Kokopelli Komments' (yes with a 'k'). They are sarcastic and silly, yet inspirational and meaningful. There will be a total of 36 mini books. There will also be 3 full books. We decided on Kokopelli Komments because Kokopelli is a symbol of fertility and abundance...that and I've always found Kokopelli to be rather cute. For the next few years Kokopelli Komments will be my baby. I always thought I would be a nurse or teacher or something. I never thought 'writer' would be in my list of occupations.

#2) Isaiah is potty trained! (mostly). I was informed at his 2nd birthday party that it was impossible to potty train a boy before their 3. Well, I would just like to say "Impossible ain't nothing. Get er done!" I don't have pictures to illustrate 'potty training' but this picture is cute, anyway... He LOVES having his window down while riding in mama's truck! When the window locks are on, he gets super frustrated because he can't put his window up and down at his leisure.

#3) I'm pretty sure Janice-May is going to walk before she has teeth. At 7.5 months old she was pulling herself to standing. Very wobbly, yes. Now at 8 months old, while holding onto whatever she can find, she 'walks'. It's rather adorable. I'm pretty sure I'm not ready for this yet, But I plan to cherish this stage to it's bitter end.

#4) Jon and I have been married for 3 years! THREE! Can you believe that? Time sure does fly...like crazy! I'm so thoroughly blessed to have such a loving, supportive, cute man as my husband. I look forward to the next 50+ years with him by my side!

Vanilla vs. Rocky Road

At times, I crave that chocolaty, peanut and marshmallow goodness, but sometimes just plain old vanilla is so much nicer.

As most of you know, since you all know me so well, there is a hidden meaning behind my ice cream analogy.

Once again...as most of you know - My life is more hectic than a roller coaster that has multiple tracks and can't decide which one to take. It involves a lot of whiplash, pulled muscles, messy, wind blown hair, and usually scrapes and bruises. AKA Rocky Road

Wait...just one second. Where exactly has anybody seen a roller coaster like that? Yeah, you're right. No where. My imagination is running wild. I have no intention of catching it...ever.

Anyway, back to the ice cream analogy; So Vanilla vs. Rocky Road

I got to thinking about how freaking hectic and chaotic my life has been. We've had a whoping 2 nights at home this week. TWO! Don't we live there?! Shouldn't we be there a touch bit more? Ehh!! Nope. Not at all.

I'm beginning to crave the simple, vanilla, calm and plain things of life. If my life were calm and smooth, I could add nuts, chocolate, fruit, and whipped topping as I please. As it is the nuts, chocolate, fruit, and whipped topping just jump in my ice cream all by themselves, and laugh at me.

Maybe I should filter my ice cream....Uh, I mean, my life. But then again, if I did that, said filter would remove all the creaminess and smoothness. I would just have melted cream and sugar...and a bit of vanilla flavoring.

I'm pretty happy with the Rocky Roads in my life. They make my head hurt sometimes, but I wouldn't have it any other way. It helps me throughly enjoy the Vanilla.

Irrational Emotions

It's my professional opinion that laughter, tears, screaming, and bouncing up and down is what happens when we are too emotionally overwhelmed to express them rationally. Over this past weekend there was quite a bit of laughter, tears, screaming, and bouncing up and down.

One of my closest and best friends, Justine, got married on Saturday. She has been there for me through thick and thin over the last 4 years or so. We met at my brother-in-laws high school graduation...and honestly, I was quite certain she didn't like me very much and my first impression was that she was a tad stuck up. Then I got to know her...rather quickly. We're rather inseparable now-a-days.

When Chris and Justine got engaged I nearly popped from excitement. Justine had been waiting for a man to treat her right for some time. That same night, Justine asked me to be a bridesmaid for her. Oh course! So over months of planning, organizing and getting ready the big day was finally here.

After hours of decorating the reception hall and ourselves we made our way to the church...that's when the water works started. They didn't stop for any length of time until after we left the reception. I've never cried so much in my life. The wedding was perfect for them. Just perfect.

Justine looked gorgeous. Just stunning in her lovely dress. I'm pretty sure Chris stopped breathing for a minute when he saw her walking down the isle. I got goosebumps and started bawling. So did everyone else. Every direction I looked someone was teary eyed. Their first dance, the father daughter dance, the speeches, all started us crying again.

Since that fateful day of meeting my lovely friend, she stood by me while I pledged my love and loyalty to my husband, she was one of the first to meet Isaiah, she held my leg when Jayme made her grand entrance, I stood by her while she pledged her love and loyalty to her husband. I can't wait to see what else we get to go through together. And I'm so blessed to witness the wonderful love of Chris and his lovely bride.

Thyme

On Wednesday, while driving to work the lady in front of me hit something...looked out her window to see what it was and kept driving. I saw a little fluff limp to the side of the road. I stopped to make sure whatever it was, was okay. It was a little orange kitten. He looked just like our cat, Rocky, then we first got him. He hissed at me when I tried to pick him up. I grabbed a blanket out of the truck and wrapped him up. I went to put him in the truck. I was planning on taking him back to the office to see how badly he was hurt. He apparently wasn't wrapped very well.

As soon as he saw teddy he scratched his way out of the blanket, and pooped whatever he ate that morning,and blood all over me. So I ended up dropping him. Which of course hurt him worse. He hid under the truck...I couldn't reach him. At all. I called the office and Mom came to help me. We threw the truck in neutral and moved it. Got him wrapped up...better this time.

We took him to the office and called a friend that works at Animal Humane. She told us to bring him down and she'd check him out. They ran x-rays and found that his pelvis was completely shattered. She showed me the x-rays. That would explain the blood. Poor thing. They had to put him down. Knowing this little kitten for just a couple hours, I was already beyond attached. By the time I got to my next stop for the day, I looked like I had been in a boxing match.

Who knew such a tiny kitten could create such hysterias. The lady at the front desk at Animal Humane asked me if I wanted to name him. Naming him would make it worse....much worse. I still don't know why it affected me so much. It felt like I had this big hole in my chest...Oh odd. Anyways, I couldn't just leave him without a name. Mom wanted to name him Sunflower since he was so orange. But since we knew him for such a small amount of time I thought Thyme (time) was more appropriate.

This little kitten created such a huge feeling of compassion in me. His little green eyes said so much. "I'm mad at you for dropping me." "I'm glad you didn't leave me out there to get eaten" and after Jackie gave him some meds his little green eyes seemed to yell "Thank you!"

Heres to you, tiny Thyme. So orange and so tiny with pretty green eyes. you taught me a valuable lesson. So...Thank YOU!

All Stitched Up

Friday Jon and I went to Cliff's with the GAM (God And Me) kids from church. We had an absolute blast! Afterwards we had a little camp out. After dinner we did Praise and Worship. After all the rowdy songs I found myself a little corner to sit and talk with God. It's easiest to talk with Him during those times. I can hear Him so clearly.

I don't remember what song was on that made my mind start racing. I started thinking about all the things in my life that have been difficult. The times that have been hurtful. About all the sad times. The heartbreaking moments.

Then I started thinking about wounds. Nasty cuts, scrapes, broken bones. Probably because I found it rather fortunate that we made it through the whole day with a bunch of middle schoolers without anybody getting hurt.

As the playlist continued God started speaking to me. He told me that in order for things to heal smoothly and beautifully, I have to let Him heal me. I have to let Him clean and stitch me up, or there's going to be nasty scars...ugly, bitter scars. I have to follow his direction...His care plan or the healing process will take longer and be more painful.

So...God has stitched me up. I'm following His at home care plan, and the healing has begun. I have an ever present source of encouragement and love. These wounds will heal...smoothly, and the scars left over will fade into lessons learned.

She has a WHAT???

Life is what happens while we're busy making other plans.

Saturday night Naomi and her boyfriend are coming over for a movie night. Yes. Her BOYFRIEND! My first thought upon realizing that my 16 year old sister has a boyfriend is "What the h-e-double hockey stick is she thinking?!?! Boys are nothing but trouble!" And my second thought is "She's much too young to have a boyfriend..."

But then I realized that I was 16 the first time I fell in love. And 17 the second time I fell in love. I was married at 18, and a Mommy shortly there after. She's the same age I was when I was sure I knew what Love was all about. ^_^

She is much wiser than I was at that age though. Maybe she has learned from my mistakes. That's a good thing. Looking at it that way, my mistakes are more than worth it.

Dragonfly

Over the past few months I have contemplated getting a tattoo. Something to show the constant change in my life. Something unique.

I was walking in the courtyard at Mom & Dad's and saw a dragonfly. I was quite fascinated by it. So many different colors. Tiny and fast. I became rather curious about them so I did some research.

For as many cultural meanings as there are for the dragonfly, there are just as many symbol meanings. They main symbolism are renewal, positive force and power of life with a sense of self that comes with maturity. The dragonfly is a creature of the wind so it's only fitting that it represents change. They skitter across the water surface implying that our deeper thoughts are surfacing. We are reminded that when our deeper thoughts rise we mush play close attention to what is deeper than what's on the surface.


The dragonfly's colors are a result of reflecting light. They are associated with an illusion in causing others to see only what they want them to see. They remind us that we are made of light and we can reflect light in powerful ways if we choose to. They symbolize going past self created illusions that limit our growing and changing and being a creature of water. they carry a symbol of thoughts and of dreaming.

They represent change. Dragonflies are a creature that you learn to appreciate as you age as you look more deeply at your own life. This is where the link to change and self appreciate comes in. As we age we just don't see the surface of things. We start to pick apart our lives and see more meaning in things.

The dragonfly lives a short life and lives it's life to the fullest. This is the strongest lesson we can learn from them. We only get this life once.

So when I get the guts to have ink driven into my skin via a needle I will be the proud owner of a dragonfly tattoo.

Sibling Love

They seem throughly enthralled by each other right now, with nothing but love in their eyes. Or perhaps they're plotting.

Regardless, I love them so incredibly much. My heart feels like it's going to explode.

Weeds in Life

Last night I was pulling weeds in the flower beds in the front yard. Among the first I grabbed were stickers and and thorns. Youch! My hands were bloody...needless to say. So I grabbed my gloves. While wearing the gloves it was much more of a challenge to pull the weeds out. I couldn't get a good grip on them. It was really frustrating.

Like always, while I'm working in the yard, I got to thinking. Pulling weeds is like dealing with everyday life.

If you try to protect yourself from all the bad things, it's going to be a lot more difficult to get the job done. Sometimes life hurts. Some times you'll bleed...maybe alot. But if you hurt and bleed a little to get through the tough spots you'll be able to throughly enjoy the flowers.

Out of Line

This week has been a bit tough for me. I've been harsh to those around me. I've been cranky, rude and completely out of sorts. Not the 'myself' I'm happy to be. I really have no idea what my problem is. I threw something this morning for no reason...at all. I wasn't mad. Just looking for a reaction maybe. What am I...a 6 year-old? Like really? That's not necessary.

Maybe I'm just going insane due to all the spit up, poop, and other mommy business.

Maybe I'm completely overwhelmed with my life. Not in a bad way though.

Maybe I need to escape for a bit.

Am I making any sense at all?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

I'm rather thankful I have a husband who just stays out of the way when I'm being insane. I'm also thankful he tells me how completely ridiculous I'm being. After the fact, of course. He values his life.

Another Season

Earlier this week, Daddy called to tell me an old friend had passed away. We played ball with him and his sister while Dad was coaching the Home School teams. The twins and I also worked with him for a while. He was our age. This is the second person from that group that has died over the past few years. Thinking about how a life can be taken so young baffles me. In Ecclesiastes chapter 3 it states that there is a season for all thing.

1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

2 a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3 a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6 a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7 a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8 a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.


I strongly believe this. It doesn't mean that I'm calloused towards death or anything else that happens. My Peace of Mind is in knowing that they have a New Life. They are Home. They're done with this chapter of their lives and they've moved on.

It shouldn't be heart breaking when someone passes on. Although many times it is, just due to missing this person. We should be joyous that they were ever in our lives. We'll see them again one day. They're safe where they are.

A Crap Load of Updates (pun intended)

Isaiah's potty training extravaganza is now in full swing. We have a potty chart, complete with different colors of stars for different 'accomplishments'. It's going pretty well....I think. Aside from him having a mild melt down when he pooped in toilet got up and proceeded to dump the rest of his load on the floor. Gross. That is all. He's doing great!! I'm bursting at the seams with pride!!

Jayme slept for nearly 12 hours last night. I nearly had a heart attack. I went in her room just so I could listen to her breath. She then proceeded to nap like a champ this morning. WHOOP!!! I'm pretty sure I may wake up tomorrow to find that she's grown at least 4 inches.

As for Jon. He's rather stoked about this week. He's working alone again...well for the most part. Some people are just hard to work with. I'm just glad he'll be coming home much less stressed out than he has over the past couple years. He loves what he does for a living, but he'd much rather work by himself. As long as he isn't putting drill bits through his hands and fingers, I'm good to go!

Last but not least; I'm learning some very important lessons. You can graduate from high school, college, and even graduate school, but you never EVER quit learning. A few months ago someone told me they wanted me back in their life. They haven't put forth any effort though. I've kinda put spurts of effort, but between being a wife, mommy, and working a ton I haven't had sufficient time to renew a relationship single handed. It can't be done alone anyways. I don't know why I thought it could. Wishful thinking, perhaps.

So the lesson; You can only do so much before efforts need to be redirected. I don't have time to try to fix someone else. Especially if they don't want to be fixed, or if they only live to create strife and heartache for others. So here and now I declare: I wash my hands of this nonsense. If you want to be a part of my life, prove it.

False Advertisement

Justine is getting married in August. I'm one of her 5 bridesmaids. We ordered our dresses the Saturday before Easter. It took forever for me to find a style we liked. #1) my body hadn't bounced back all the way from my pregnancy with Jayme. #2) Dresses are freaking expensive.

We finally found a style we liked, but couldn't decide on whether to get a size 6 that fit pretty well, or a size 4 that was super tight (we couldn't get it zipped.) Size 4 was decided since we figured I would lose a little more baby weight before the wedding.

So minus 12 lbs later, my dress is finally in. I tried it on once I got it home. *sigh. It's too big. I shouldn't complain. I really shouldn't. All my baby weight is gone, but so are my tata's and my tushie. Hello, once again, my size 3 levi's. Oh how I love you, I'm so glad I have one pair of pants I can wear without a belt.

I've pretty much banned running and anything else that burns mass amounts of calories. If I lose anymore weight they're gonna have to put two of me in that dress...

It wouldn't be a huge deal, except that it's strapless. Justine told me to just wear a water bra (or two). Then my dress will stay up. We previously decided that girls that wear push up bras and water bras are false advertisement, but I'm pretty sure since I'm married, that doesn't count. ^_^

Dad. Daddy. Da Da. Father. Pops. ect.

It's father's day weekend. I got to thinking about a few of the amazing Dad figures in my life.

The first man I think about is Jon. He's my husband, my best friend, and the Daddy of my wonderful children. We've been married for almost 3 years. My! How time flies. He takes care of us, supports us, and most of all, loves us! He gives me breaks when he knows I need them. He bring me Starbucks when he knows I've had a long day. I love watching him interact with the babies. I can't imagine another man that would be a better Daddy to these kiddos and a better husband to me!

The second man that comes to mind is my amazing Dad. He has always been there for me through thick and thin. He tells me when I need to get my act together. He tells me when I'm doing a great job. He loves me through the tough spots and encourages me to keep my head above water. He's funny, loving, smart, and accepting. He's my Daddy and he always will be!

Jason, my father-in-law, is the third man I think of. He is one of the most loving men I know. He's gentle and kind. He gives the best hugs. His smile lights up the whole room, and his laugh is rather contagious. He's not afraid to tell you how he feels, but he does it in such a way as to not hurt your feelings. He knows the truth. He's supportive, no matter what your choice.

Measurements

This morning Isaiah brought me a sewing tape measure, so we measured him. He's 36 inches tall! I had to run the calculations seeing as how I'm a touch sleep deprived, due to my body deciding that it doesn't need to fall asleep until after mid night. He's 3 feet tall!!! He was 19 inches at birth. He's grown 17 inches since he was born. My goodness! I suppose I would be a bit grouchy too if I had grown 17 inches in the last 2 1/2 years. Holy crow!!

He was really excited about measuring his legs, arms, and head. And of course...we HAD to measure his ears and nose! He's such a smart boy!

5:30am? Hah! Fail.

So Jayme has been sleeping through the night pretty consistently. She goes down about 8 or 9 and gets up at 5:30, eats and then sleeps until we leave for the office at 7:30. It's so nice. I get to spend some time with her, while Isaiah is still occupied with sleep, and then get ready for my day uninterrupted. That makes it so I can focus on Isaiah solely instead of while trying to put mascara on. Hah! Not this morning...No ma'am.

Jayme pretty much passed out at 7 last night. She had a bottle but only ate about half her usual dinner. I heard her start fussing glanced at the clock and popped out of bed ready to face the day. I could swear the clock said 5:30am. I fed her the usual 5 ounce bottle, talked to her for a bit, wrapped her back up and put her back to bed.

I hopped on my computer to check e-mail and what not before the boys woke up. The little clock on the corner of my screen said 12:55pm! WHAT?!?! I'm dressed, have my make-up on and was getting ready to start breakfast. Oy! So...I crawled back into bed. That didn't really go over well. My body was sure it was time to be up.

Lucky for me the babies both were awake by 5:30. It's a darn good thing my make-up was already on. There was NO way I would have gotten around to that this morning. Jayme wanted FOOD! Not her bottle...she made that very clear. I fed her applesauce while juggling Isaiah's acrobatic cereal eating. Oh my goodness! Complete morning work out: Check.

In other news: Isaiah went to get his shoes and ran back to the living room...he tripped over air again (yes, he's my child) and landed face first, much to his dismay. Isaiah's face + Kitchen floor = fat bloody lip. He's a trooper though. I didn't even realize his lip was busted until he took a drink of my water and left blood on the cup. Poor thing.

So needless to say; I need some coffee...

That boy!

My sleep schedule has been a bit screwy lately, so here goes an attempt to keep me up past 8:30. And Go!

Isaiah has been rather out of the ordinary today. Aside from the usual flipping Jayme over when she's laying on her belly, he's been quite vocal, and ornery. For some time now, he was been super cranky...just because he can, and that's what gets him the most attention. I dubbed a wooded chair we have in the office at the Cranky Chair. I told him that whenever he gets upset he has to sit in the Cranky Chair. He sat there for about 2 minutes crying and glaring at me before he realized that it wasn't all that great. He's been a happy toddler ever since.

Before lunch he decided he needed Esther. "Desther!!!!!" he yelled up the stairs. Esther asked him what he wanted. He replied with "I neeeeed you!!!" It was soooo cute! Man...I can get enough of that little boy.

Nap time rolled around. He whispers "Moooom. Thirsty!" So I gave him some water. He then tried to show me he had poop in his pants. His pants were empty. Then he decided it would be cool to start chucking things down the stairs. I threatened him with fore mentioned 'cranky-chair' and he finally gave in.

Three hours later I glance over to find him playing with his toes. He didn't wake up cranky = Success full nap time!

My dearest Jayme

You're four and a half months old now. You are more stunning than any baby I've ever seen. It's almost painful. You're growing so fast it's simply heart shattering. I can't think of another phrase to describe it. Your smile lights up my mornings...and quite frankly, every other part of my day. Your cries break my heart, but there's nothing in this world compared to making you feel all better.

Another thing that's broken my heart: You've weened yourself from 'mommy juice'. I miss it dearly. I would almost want to HAVE to ween you later on. But it's okay...really. It gives me a chance to 'let' daddy give you those rare midnight feedings. You sleep through the night nearly every night now. Thank you.

According to just about everyone that sees you, your blue eyes are going to get you into trouble. I'm pretty sure I can wait for that though.

Your big brother is insistent on not letting you lay on your tummy. He gives me and daddy dirty looks, sighs, and then proceeds to flip you over. Maybe that's why you haven't learned to roll over yet. It's rather adorable how he watches out for you. Do me a huge favor and don't be too mean to him while you're growing up.

You're eating baby food now. Usually 3-5 ounces at each sitting. Little chubbins!! You light up my lfe. Oh, how I love you.

Little Wonders

by Rob Thomas

Let it go
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours
These small hours
Still remain

Let it slide
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine,
Till you feel it all around you
And I don't mind
If it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by
It's the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These small hours
Still remain

All of my regret
Will wash away somehow
But I cannot forget
the way I feel right now

In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
Yeah, these twisted turns of fate
Time falls away
Yeah, but these small hours,
These small hours
Still remain


This song perfectly describes how I feel about my life, right now. All these little moments define the beauty I live in every day. Watching Isaiah learn and mature by the moment. Watching Jayme giggle, smile and grow (grow so much!!). It feels like I might explode from being so incredibly happy, if that's even possible. It feels like my love hasn't split in two, but doubled...or maybe tripled. It feels like I'm oozing love and happiness.

I am...

I am a mother.

I am a sister.

I am a daughter.

I am a wife.

I am a lover.

I am an accountant.

I am a best friend.

I am a housekeeper.

I am a listener.

I am a reader.

I am a song writer.

I am an athlete.

I am emotional.

I am sometimes irrational.

I am whoever I choose to be.

I am whoever I need to be.

I am whoever I want to be.

Please tell me you saw that stop sign!!!

While driving to work this morning 3 different people pulled out in front of us. Three! Seriously?! Am I invisible, or is that stop sign invisible? Gah! The first incident was on our road. Even if there was an accident we're both going like 10 miles an hour. Not too much damage done. The second - a little purple sports car with a dent in the side. I wonder how that dent got there! Not!! Driving 50mph down Mountain Valley would be sure to cause damage. Thank God for touchy brakes! Sheesh! Anyway, the 3rd was just trying to get through traffice...I do it to, but after 2 close calls already I was pretty irritated.

Naomi was with me, since she had slept over the night before. She touched my arm and told me I needed to calm down. I fought the severe urge to rip her arm off and got a hold of myself while thinking "Don't swear, Don't cry, Pull yourself together." After I relaxed a little Naomi told me that the universe is teaching me to be patient. I fought another urge to rip her arm off. I love her. I really do. Just not a fan of having someone telling me exactly what I'm supposed to hear. It seems easier to just be ticked off. It's really not for the record. Thank you, Naomi, for getting in my face. I'm glad I didn't rip your arm off. I love you.

I am a grown up now

"How did this happen and how do I make it stop!?!?" That's how I felt about growing up for a long time. I just wanted to stay a kid forever. Eating Potato chips and ice cream every time I got upset was pretty much routine...and funny enough, I always felt better. Until about 3 years ago, coincidentally about the time I got pregnant with Isaiah, the chips and ice cream always settled just fine. Now it's just nauseating. I suppose that's my sign that I need to grow up.

A couple weeks ago, an old friend and her little boy were over. We were sitting there reminiscing about the old days. I recalled one night - We had gone swimming with a group from youth group and then we were going out to eat. No husbands, no houses, no babies, no pets, and, comparatively, no responsibilities. Just best friends and a curfew to meet. What a care-free life!!

We also talked about how it would be nice to know what it was like to live alone. No piles of laundry, no sink full of dishes, and no small children to bathe...oh, and no husbands beckoning our stretch marked bodies.

Then the husbands got off work and joined us for dinner. We laughed, cooked, ate, cleaned, and then of course, bathed our small children. As we lotion-ed up our clean babies, the subject took a huge change. We talked about how much we love our husbands, babies, piles of laundry and dishes, and how fortunate we are to spend every day with the ones we love and cherish, how fortunate we are that our babies are healthy, beautiful, and happy. And about how we wouldn't change a single thing in our richly blessed lives.

Blessings & Curses

Jon was making breakfast this morning with Isaiah watching him from his high chair. Jon has been fighting allergies for a couple days now. He sneezed, mid egg stiring and Isaiah says, using his outside voice, "bless you!" It was so cuuute! I pretty much about burst with pride.

I know kids learn from example, but this totally surprised me. Most things he's does lately are surprising me. He comforts his baby sister, cleans up his toys...and much to my dismay, swears. Where does he pick up these things? Oh yeah...via his mommy stubbing her toe, dropping something, ect. Time to start using code swear words again.

Heros

Who would have thought today's heros would consist of Finding Nemo, Poop, and Coffee? Not I. I suppose that's what the life of a mommy of a toddler and infant consists off. Bodily functions, disney movies and caffiene.

Isaiah decided that nap time is worth fighting with. I don't know why. It's a new development, and an irritating one at that. So we put in Finding Nemo and he eventually gets relaxed enough to pass out. Nap Time VS. Isaiah; Nap time wins via Finding Nemo.

Jayme is somewhat colicky, we think. Her fussing just seems inevitable at times. Alexanna (she does infant massage) worked on her little belly for awhile. She finally took the biggest poop I've ever seen come out of a baby that tiny. I know babies are capable of massive explosions when it comes to diapering, but sheesh!!! She was quite a happy little camper after she was all cleaned up. I guess if I had that much of a poop to take I'd be pretty cranky too.

And where does coffee come in? Oh yeah! I'm so tired I almost forgot.

Oh, poop! (and not figuratively speaking)

Yesterday, Sara and I were enjoying some lovely choclate covered strawberries, when Isaiah walked over with his hand covered with the contents of his diaper. So gross. I'm pretty sure Sara was even less amused than I was, being in the first trimester of her pregnancy and all. Poor thing. That's so gross!

I don't envy that part of pregnancy at all, but I do miss it to an extent. I told Jon I wish I could be about 32 weeks pregnant for a few months (though im sure I'd regret it). It's the perfect week. Not too huge, but you can feel the baby move ALL the time. Wonderful! That's what I miss...feeling that little tiny baby moving in my belly.

We're going to have more kids, but I'm hoping that doesn't happen for another 3 years or so. I'm pretty sure these screaming sessions and sleepless nights are the best birth control ever.

It Won't Be Like This For Long

"He didn't have to wake up
He'd been up all night
Layin’ there in bed listenin’
To his new born baby cry
He makes a pot of coffee
He splashes water on his face
His wife gives him a kiss and says
It gonna be OK

It won’t be like this for long
One day we'll look back laughin’
At the week we brought her home
This phase is gonna fly by
So baby just hold on
‘Cause it won't be like this for long

Four years later ‘bout 4:30
She's crawling in their bed
And when he drops her off at preschool
She's clinging to his leg
The teacher peels her off of him
He says what can I do
She says now don't you worry
This’ll only last a week or two

It won’t be like this for long
One day soon you'll drop her off
And she won’t even know you're gone
This phase is gonna fly by
If you can just hold on
It won’t be like this for long

Some day soon she'll be a teenager
And at times he'll think she hates him
Then he'll walk her down the aisle
And he'll raise her veil
But right now she's up and cryin’
And the truth is that he don't mind
As he kisses her good night
And she says her prayers

He lays down there beside her
‘Til her eyes are finally closed
And just watchin’ her it breaks his heart
Cause he already knows

It won’t be like this for long
One day soon that little girl is gonna be
All grown up and gone
Yeah, this phase is gonna fly by
So, he's tryin’ to hold on

‘Cause it won’t be like this for long"

-Darius Rucker

I love this song. It's a perfect reminder that this too is just a phase.
Jayme hasn't been sleeping very well lately. She wakes up often and is rather fussy. Sometimes I can't help but to sit there and cry during 2:00am feedings, not from being upset or angry, just from pure exhaustion. I know she'll start sleeping through the night and I'll miss being with her during the night. I can't believe she's already almost 2 months old. It blows my mind how fast time passes. Some times are harder than others to remember that this too shall pass...and we know it will. Quicker than we'd like, I'm sure...

Pellet Stoves & Toddlers: They Do Not Mix

Isaiah has recently decided that diaper wearing isn't a necessity. Friday evening I walked in the living room to find him butt naked, with his little hands on his hips, in front of the pellet stove warming his little bum. He looked down in time to see himself start peeing. Laughter was inevitable at this point, for me anyway. Jon wasn't amused. Atleast the diaper he had taken off was dry. We're going in the right directions. Now we just need to get in the correct room.

Saturday morning, we smelled something a little funny. When you have a toddler, funny smells always equal them having gotten into something. So I went searching for him. I found him once again in front of the pellet stove. Fully clothed this time. He was coloring on the hot glass with his new crayons he got for his birthday. Lucky for us wax scrapes off with a razor blade.

She's here!

January 22nd, 2010 at 7:33pm, Janice-May (Jayme) Rhianne Grider made her big entrance. I was in active labor for 6 hours and pushed for 15 minutes before meeting my sweet baby love. She weighed 5lbs 1oz. and measured 18 inches long. She has dark blue eyes and strawberry blonde wavy hair.

Isaiah is absolutly in love with her.
He's certain she needs to play with his cars and drink his milk.
Supervision is required. ☺

Patience...

Patience, above all else, is what is needed right now.

Do not let anxiousness or frustration take over.

Hold to your inner peace.

Reclaim your identity.

Trust your higher wisdom.

Look to the grander vision.

Do not agitate for a decision right now, nor seek an immediate solution.

Do not wish for an end to things as they are.

That end will come.

Yet let it arrive naturally.

Do not push the river.

Wait...

The Right Time is at hand.




















I will see your face soon, my baby love.

Lesson Learned

Yesterday when I got home from work, I decided it would be a great idea to do some house work...lots of house work. I suppose the nesting instinct has kicked in - full swing. It didn't matter that I was thoroughly exhausted and 'enjoying' lots of Braxton Hicks contractions....I wanted to CLEAN!!!!

I took the Christmas decorations down and got them packed up, cleaned the kitchen, folded laundry, re-arranged furniture in the living room, and much to Isaiah's dismay, vacuumed. He has a strong dislike for the vacuum, to put it mildly. He cries and cries. It's rather pathetic. So I decided to console some of his horror I would carry him while I vacuumed. It went really well. I was so proud of myself. My back didn't even hurt. You'd think after vacuuming for 20 minutes while 35 weeks pregnant and carrying around a 25 lbs toddler your body would be looking for a lawyer to sue you for damages. But noooo, I was good to go.

Then I sat down to rest for a bit. When I tried to get up my right hip popped in protest. Fail. So I spent the evening attempting to get dinner ready with the right side of my body begging to be detached and left on a heating pad.

Note to self: Make a list of things you want to get done and work on it over a WEEK instead of over 4 hours.

Do not judge the journey by the path you're now on

Do not judge the journey by the path you're now on. Like Driving cross-country, you can't possibly know in advance if or where you may envounter detours, hairpin turns, or passing cars passing with noses and what not pressed to the window. Moreover, little, if any, of the scenery you travel through will remotely resemble the destination you have in mind. yet neither the "constellations" you see nor the unexpected maneuvers you take will ever mean you aren't headed exactly where you want to go, moving as swiftly as possible, getting closer every flipping day.

Road Trip!