Missing Pieces

Learning never ends. Neither does observation.

Over the past couple of weeks, my emotions have been somewhat unpredictable. Fighting with what hurts more. Physical pain, or emotional pain. And expressing emotional pain being physically painful. Thus, smothering emotional pain to avoid further physical pain. Don't worry, I'm not cutting myself or anything. Sheesh. After surgery, expressing any kind of emotion was pretty painful for awhile. Laughing hurt. Crying hurt. I never realized how much I used my abdominal muscles. Now we know. Hah! Anyhoo, back to what has been learned through this...process.

When I'm suppressing my emotions, good or bad, its much more difficult to be with God. During worship on Sunday I found myself sitting there, completely disengaged. I couldn't get with God, at all. It was like I could see Him. But I couldn't hear Him, and I couldn't touch Him. He was just barely out of my reach. Frustrating much? Yes. Very much so. So this week I've been really irritable, and cranky.

My heart felt full, but heavy and dark. After doing some writing (see previous post), crying and praying, my heart feels much lighter...and slightly empty, partly because a few of it's pieces are temporarily gone, and partly because I haven't had sufficient God Time. The God Time is being filled...slowly, but He's creeping back in. And soon or later the rest of the pieces will be back. Sooner would be best, but there's no telling, I suppose.

But this 'empty time' is going by quickly. I woke up this morning knowing what I was doing today and knowing what I was doing tomorrow, but I couldn't believe tomorrow is Saturday. So perhaps this will all be over before we know it.

A note for you, and you, and you...etc.

I need to see these things written down so I can let go, and move on...and possibly get some points across to a few people who's communication with me has been prohibited. It's hard to keep any emotion locked up for any amount of time. So this being my safe place, here it is. If this is to you, you'll know it.

1) It breaks my heart that I haven't seen you in so long. I want to hug you and not let go. I want to cry tears of joy on your shoulder. I took fore-granted how much you mean to me. I miss you. I love you. I can't wait to see you.

2) Thank you for holding my hand through this. I'm so thankful to have someone that throughly understands what's going on. Your kind words and advice keep me moving forward. Thank you, again.

3) Isaiah keeps asking for you. He cries when we tell him you have gone away and won't be back for awhile. I know he'll squeeze you half to death when he sees you next. Soon, is what we're holding on to.

4) I hope you know the grief and pain you've caused. I love you still, but that doesn't change anything. Next time, contemplate the consequences of your actions...before you act. You're smart. We know this, but this is stupid. Stupid and ridiculous. You know how you should have gone about this, but yet you didn't and now there is more heartbreak then you can ever imagine.

5) If we see each other in the near future, I suggest you run...and possibly hide. You've torn what I love the most in half and I can't say I'll forgive and forget anytime soon.

6) I admire your ability to hold on to the bigger picture. I can't imagine how you're feeling right now. This will be over sooner or later. Sooner is what I'm focusing on.

I'm ready. Lets do this!!

I've taken my wonderful pain free body for granted. At the end of October, I was in the emergency room for some pretty severe abdominal pain. I was pretty sure it was gallbladder related only because I had gallstones while I was pregnant with Janice-May. They went away...or so we thought. The pain was pretty related.

I had a few episodes over the previous months, but they were never unbearable, and usually fixed by a heat pack and the occasional a glass of wine. I thought this episode was going so fade too. It didn't. Nearly 3 weeks, 2 HIDA scans, more blood work than anyone should ever have done, and an ultrasound, not only do I feel like a human pin cushion, but I have gallstones again, and I'm in more pain that child birth. At least child birth is productive.

These stones are not the kind that can easily be seen, but rather the kind that basically shred my gallbladder. The visual the surgeon gave me was filling a balloon with Jello and sharp edged gravel, and then squeezing it. Youch. No wonder! So my gallbladder is being lacerated from the inside out. Great. That would explain the 'polyps' they saw...not actually polyps, but scar tissue. Ew.

I met the Surgeon last week. She looked over my tests and said surgery would need to take place. So tomorrow at 5:30am I will begin my prep for surgery at the hospital. I've never been more excited to be cut open, however this means that I will be pain free in the long run. I'm so excited, I might pop. My taste-buds and my insides will get to be happy at the same time...eventually.

I decided that I should be very well educated in the gallbladder removal process. Bad idea. Very bad idea. I watched a video of a laparoscopic gallbladder removal. Why? Because I'm curious. Well, curiosity killed the cat...her name was Lady. But that's another story. So anyhoo...upon thinking about tomorrow, I think I might barf, knowing whats they'll be doing to my insides. The only thing keeping said barf from making it's appearance, is the knowledge that I won't be in constant pain for much longer, and for that I am eternally grateful.

A note for you

Here's a note for you, my adorable small people. So many things you do just amaze me so much. And so many of them I forget before I can share them. I wish I could carry around a video recorder all the time to capture these moments.

Isaiah, yesterday, while we were at Alexis' house you were eating some skittles. You suddenly ran into the room with a skittle between each of your thumbs and pointer fingers exclaiming "Mom!! S's." I nearly burst from pride. We've been working on your alphabet for quite some time now. You've learned them so well, and even point out letters and their sounds on billboards, cereal boxes, buildings, and anything else your cute self happens to observe...including skittles! I was a bit shocked...and did I mention, proud?

You have also mastered the art of making sure your 'potties' make it in the potty without first taking a detour through you pants. Ta-da! You even wake up dry from naps and most mornings. You've throughly impressed me, little dude. You're eating abilities have also caused a few jaw drops. I wonder to myself where you fit all that food, then I remember that your teenage years are ahead (far ahead, but ahead none the less). Whew! I guess we should prepare, huh? I love you, my boy, and I will happily keep as many refrigerators stocked as it takes.

As for you, Miss Janice-May. You have become quite the Drama Queen. You have also mastered tantrum throwing. We're working on putting an end to it. It's tough though, mainly because you're much too adorable when you flop on the floor screaming. I try hard not to laugh as I know this only encourages such escapades, but it's rather humorous.

Yesterday, we caught you climbing off the couch. You were quite successful. It made my heart ache a little bit. Partly from pride, partly because you are growing up much too quickly for my liking.

You are in to everything, including dog food. I like to claim this will help keep your hair shiny and your teeth (that will hopefully be here soon!) strong. But then I realize this probably is only accurate when referring to canines. Maybe I should stock Isaiah's refrigerator with some snacks for you too. You prefer steak, peaches, and Ritz crackers. And you refuse baby food of any kind. Can't say I blame you though. That stuff is nasty!! No wonder they feed it to kids that can't talk.

I know I get frustrated sometimes, but I love you both more than words can say.

Bruises

It has started. The never ending quest to acquire new bruises. Jayme is crawling just like Isaiah did. Face down, plowing into anything in her way. Which equals a large amount of forehead bruising.

She is also standing quite a bit now. Meaning increased slipping and falling. Which in turn equals screaming, tears, snot, and a little sweat and blood.

It breaks my heart every time, too. Before I can get to her, she's developed a knot and a blue bruise. It eventually fades into an ugly dark purple, then it disappears all together just in time for another incident.

I keep saying that she'll only do it a few times before she learns to watch where she is going, but she continually proves me wrong.

Going to the Pediatrics office scares me a bit. At Jayme's check up this month, the Nurse Practitioner informed me that she has a good amount of bruises for a baby her age. Whew!

None the less, her cuteness tends to overwhelm me. When all hope is lost of her going down for a nap or going to bed at all, she starts to snuggle and holds on to her ear (no, she does not have an ear infection. The Dr checked). Then she peacefully drifts off to sleep, once again winning my heart over.

Beautiful baby girl, I'm excited for you to read all of these posts when you're older.

Kisses

Isaiah is very insistent upon getting 'morning kisses', 'goodnight kisses', and 'because I want chocolate kisses'. It makes my day, every time. He little lips all puckered up.

Jayme is giving kisses now too. It's adorable. Mouth opened, slobbery, squealing kisses.

Jon has always given me kisses. That is also adorable.

How is it that kisses from those 3 people makes my tummy do flips? Maybe it is the amount of love being transfered via kisses. I'm not quite sure, but that is my theory.

I'm constantly astounded at the amount of love I can have for a single human being. It feels like my heart might explode. It's swollen up to a million times it's normal size. I feel all warm and whole. Cozy and delighted. You know what? It feels like a hug from God when I love someone that much.

And now I'm realizing how silly my feelings look in writing. But maybe that is because feelings are not usually written down.

I'll make you a promise right now. No matter how silly, or ridiculous my feelings look on paper...or on a computer screen, I'll always write them down. Partly because I love writing, and partly because you should know how I feel. You should know that my feelings are an open book. You should know that I wear them on my sleeve even if it looks silly or a little too out there. Oh and partly because I love sharing...sometimes.

And partly because this is my blog, and by reading it, it would seem that you want to know a bit more about me. Am I being narcissistic?

You Learn - Alanis Morissette

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

And today we learn a little more. Through all these things mentioned in such a profound song. We're never too old to learn something new. And learning something new is usually quite the process. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it doesn't. However, learning is always enlightening...at some point or another.