Finding Inspiration

It's quite public knowledge that I've been working on a series of books for awhile now. This post is purely me writing just to write. I'm low on inspiration. Sometimes I come up with my most brilliant writing through just that...writing. By sometimes writing about absolutely nothing. When I'm trying to be inspired is usually when inspiration is furthest away. It's funny how that works.

When we are pushing so hard for something we are really just pushing it further away. I'm beginning to see that it works like that in most areas of our lives. Maybe it's because through wanting something we have created its void. What if instead we were thankful for whatever it is we are 'wanting', even without having acquired it yet. What if we say "Thank you!" and go about our days as usual. I bet we would be pleasantly surrounded with whatever we are craving. Like say...Inspiration. Hmm...I've written a few profound 'Komments' already. Imagine that.

It snowed last night...well, it's still snowing and is supposed to until tomorrow morning. I'm amazed that something so beautiful and pure can cause such chaos and danger. However, this chaos and danger is more caused by our reactions and actions during this lovely snowy time. How often do we take something beautiful and pure and turn it into chaos? Think about that for a second....

We have already used our winter wonderland as an example. What about the Ocean? It's beautiful. Then we have to add our water bottles, candy wrappers...and not to mention those damn oil spills. Maybe that's why it retaliates with such brutal storms. We both know that's not really why, but if the ocean had a soul, I bet it would act the same way. Maybe worse. I'm not a humanitarian or a tree hugger, by any means. But we really should take care of what's so graciously been entrusted to us. Our families, our homes, our bodies...so on and so forth.

Speaking of our bodies. Why do we think they ache so much as we age? Think about all the crud we put in our bodies. It's a bit nauseating. Is arthritis really just our bodies revolting?

Yes, I know. I'm an odd one. Yet, here you sit reading my odd thoughts. Hmm.

I'll leave you on that note, since I've found the inspiration I was (not) wanting.

Blabbering nonsense; This is me.

I think its amazing how satisfied someone can feel when they see a first love happy. I suppose that's how you know you really loved them, huh?

I love my family first and foremost. My friends mean the world to me. Don't offer me your jelly beans unless you want me to eat them all. I stand up for myself and what I believe in. I LOVE playing basketball. I only have time for people who live in integrity with themselves. I would have 20 babies if my body and husband could handle that. I love getting flowers for no reason at all. If it didn't make me so bloated I would eat pasta every day. Laughing is a daily must. I say "I love you." 100 times a day. I also refuse to take any of them back. Girls days are my sanity saver. However, I miss my babies and hubby profusely while I'm away. I sometimes lose my temper, but I find it quickly. I love writing and day dreaming. Singing into my hair brush, in my underwear, dancing around my bathroom happens more often than I'd like to admit. Chocolate is better rich, but I'll take peanut butter M&M's over truffles. I work for my daddy, and take my babies with me. I wouldn't have it any other way. Music explains my feelings most days. My favorite word is "Teehee", and I drive like a crazy lady. I'm random and mostly crazy, but not in an insane way. I've decided to face my largest fear. Snowboarding. Now to get the gear! Watching my children learn and grow is thoroughly amazing to me. I don't have a filter between my brain and my mouth. Sometimes it gets me in trouble, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I love Sundays, long walks, cuddling, eating frosting straight from the jar, laughing, flip flips, and pedicures. I love getting my nails done, and getting all dressed up. My odd collection of shoes includes red peep toe heels and bright green converse. I have no idea what my natural hair color is. I want to get my lip re-pierced. Tomorrow is just another day, but it's the beginning of the rest of my life...so I shall make it count with a smile, a hug and more love than I know what to do with. I love snow, but I hate the cold. Summer is my favorite. I know I should wear sunscreen but there is something lovely about that first sunburn of the season. This is me.

To: Me

Dear Me,

You haven't been your self lately and you have me worried. You cry for no reason. You yell a lot and you don't make much sense. It's time to get your act together. Take a chill pill. One day at a time is all that is required. You keep over analyzing things. Stop it. It doesn't matter.

You'll be fine soon enough. In fact, you're already fine. You just don't know it yet. These circumstances are temporary. Everything is temporary. Hold on to God. Hold on to what you love. Even if it's not tangible. Remember that you are His. Remember that this too shall pass. And Remember to take time for yourself. You're important, too. And if you don't care for yourself, you won't be able to take care of those around you. So take a freaking break!

You don't need to fix this. You can't fix this. You can be loving, and supportive, and kind. You can be there for the ones you love. You are only one person. You're strong and confident, but this doesn't mean you can make everything all better by the time the sun goes down.

Once again, take it one day at a time. Relax a little. You'll be glad you did. You'll be a much more enjoyable person to be around once you do.

I love you.

Love,
Me

A Happy Birthday

Janice-May turned one this past weekend. It's been a crazy, stressful year full of blessings, miracles and challenges. But this isn't about that. It is about a beautiful baby girl. So here goes.

I can't understand how much love a parents can have for their children. Even through the challenging moments. Or perhaps that is what enables us to love them so very much. Jayme slept so sporadically I thought I was going to go crazy. Just when I was on the verge of losing is, she quit nursing. After days of trying, and after unending tears and frustration, I finally switched her to a bottle. I suppose it was a blessing in disguise. Jon and I switched off night time feedings for awhile. I got to catch up on my sleep a bit.

She started to sleep through the night not long after we put her on a bottle. On those rare nights she wakes up, Jon is kind enough to get up with her. I told him since I was pregnant with her for 9 months and since she was attached to my mammary glands for 3 months, he could handle a few midnight feedings. I'm thankful for a husband who doesn't see babies as 'womans work'.

And this beautiful little red head seems to have never outgrown her 'colic'. They said she would settle down around 4 or 5 months old, but nope. Maybe it just that red haired temper coming out. Some days I just wanna scream. But I don't really mind. I'm realizing she won't be tiny forever. One day she will be just as busy as her big brother and won't have time for so many mommy cuddles.

Watching her grow and learn just amazes me. I suppose I talk on the phone too much, since she has mastered how to put the phone [or anything that resembles a phone] to her ear and says "Hi!!" She says "Yay" "Wow" "Uh oh" and some variation of "kitty". I can't say it, but somehow we know exactly what she's talking about. It's rather cute.

I'm looking forward to obtaining enough patience and wisdom to get to her adult years with both of us still alive.

Just minutes old.

With Mama. One day old.

And now a full year old

I did it!

Over the past few weeks my life has been completely turned upside down. I'm convincing myself that I will be a stronger woman, when I reach the other side of this experience. There are too many details to share at this time and I'm not quite rational enough right now to share them. However, I finally did it. I got my dragonfly tattoo. [When it's healed up a bit I will share a picture] Its a sketch of a dragonfly emerging from a cluster of shooting stars. It is on my left shoulder blade. It's beautiful and everything I hoped it would be. The artist pretty much read my mind.

Why the dragonfly? It represents so much of what I feel in my life right now. The ability to adapt in any given situation. Strength. The sense of self that comes with maturity. Change. Prosperity. Swiftness. Peace. Purity. Harmony. And as a dragonfly lives a short life, it knows it must live its life to the fullest with the short time it has - which is a lesson for all of us.

And why the shooting stars? Every time it feels like I can't keep moving forward. Every time it feels like I'm stuck in the mud and I can't do anything about it, I see a star shooting across the sky. It has become my sign from God that I am His child and He does hold me near to Him always.

I am clinging to Him more than ever during these times. I find myself, so often, fretting about what tomorrow will bring. But just as often, I hear that small, sure voice telling me it's not time to give up, and it's not time to worry. For He knows all, and He will bring the most tremendous blessing out of this challenging time.

This tattoo will be an ever present reminder of this.

Missing Pieces

Learning never ends. Neither does observation.

Over the past couple of weeks, my emotions have been somewhat unpredictable. Fighting with what hurts more. Physical pain, or emotional pain. And expressing emotional pain being physically painful. Thus, smothering emotional pain to avoid further physical pain. Don't worry, I'm not cutting myself or anything. Sheesh. After surgery, expressing any kind of emotion was pretty painful for awhile. Laughing hurt. Crying hurt. I never realized how much I used my abdominal muscles. Now we know. Hah! Anyhoo, back to what has been learned through this...process.

When I'm suppressing my emotions, good or bad, its much more difficult to be with God. During worship on Sunday I found myself sitting there, completely disengaged. I couldn't get with God, at all. It was like I could see Him. But I couldn't hear Him, and I couldn't touch Him. He was just barely out of my reach. Frustrating much? Yes. Very much so. So this week I've been really irritable, and cranky.

My heart felt full, but heavy and dark. After doing some writing (see previous post), crying and praying, my heart feels much lighter...and slightly empty, partly because a few of it's pieces are temporarily gone, and partly because I haven't had sufficient God Time. The God Time is being filled...slowly, but He's creeping back in. And soon or later the rest of the pieces will be back. Sooner would be best, but there's no telling, I suppose.

But this 'empty time' is going by quickly. I woke up this morning knowing what I was doing today and knowing what I was doing tomorrow, but I couldn't believe tomorrow is Saturday. So perhaps this will all be over before we know it.

A note for you, and you, and you...etc.

I need to see these things written down so I can let go, and move on...and possibly get some points across to a few people who's communication with me has been prohibited. It's hard to keep any emotion locked up for any amount of time. So this being my safe place, here it is. If this is to you, you'll know it.

1) It breaks my heart that I haven't seen you in so long. I want to hug you and not let go. I want to cry tears of joy on your shoulder. I took fore-granted how much you mean to me. I miss you. I love you. I can't wait to see you.

2) Thank you for holding my hand through this. I'm so thankful to have someone that throughly understands what's going on. Your kind words and advice keep me moving forward. Thank you, again.

3) Isaiah keeps asking for you. He cries when we tell him you have gone away and won't be back for awhile. I know he'll squeeze you half to death when he sees you next. Soon, is what we're holding on to.

4) I hope you know the grief and pain you've caused. I love you still, but that doesn't change anything. Next time, contemplate the consequences of your actions...before you act. You're smart. We know this, but this is stupid. Stupid and ridiculous. You know how you should have gone about this, but yet you didn't and now there is more heartbreak then you can ever imagine.

5) If we see each other in the near future, I suggest you run...and possibly hide. You've torn what I love the most in half and I can't say I'll forgive and forget anytime soon.

6) I admire your ability to hold on to the bigger picture. I can't imagine how you're feeling right now. This will be over sooner or later. Sooner is what I'm focusing on.