Miss Crabby Pants

We are not talking about Miss Janice-May. We're talking about Miss Mary.

[Oh, shut your face...anybody that spends time around toddlers talks about themselves in the third person. Keep up.]

Yes, the last couple of weeks I have been increasingly crabby. Isaiah has told me, a number of times, to use my big girl voice, and to go to my room until I can be happy.

Anyway...the reason for all this crabbiness?

A year has passed. It's been over 365 days since that fateful day. And the pain is still there. Full blown. Some how the holiday season just magnifies it.

I'm not sure I believe the pain ever faded. I just learned how to cope, and keep myself busy, and occupied, filling voids wherever I could. But right now, I feel empty and raw. All my emotions are exposed. One wrong word, or glance sends me into a cascade of tears and anger.

Letting it go seems impossible. However, I'm beginning to think that letting it go doesn't mean the hurt will subside. It just means learning from it. Taking the anger and everything else, somehow turning it into something positive. "How?" You ask...yeah, I'll let you know as soon as I do.

I am indescribably thankful for all I do have. My husband, children, family and friends. I cherish them more than ever before. However, 4 empty spots remain. Their edges burn and ache, and I'm accepting that they will do so until they are filled once again. I am also so very thankful that it gets easier with each passing day.

But for now, I am crabby. And guess what? That's okay. I won't be crabby much longer. I promise.

This Life

I'm so grateful so be able to spend day in and day out with my kids. Some days it wears me out to no end. However, I absolutely love being able to be at home with my babies, while still making some bucks. 

So here I sit, in my kitchen, drinking a home-made cappuccino, listening to Bruno Mars via iTunes and Skull Candy, with the babies happily playing while watching Gnomeo and Juliet (great movie, by the way), while getting ready to tackle some bank-statements...after I finish contemplating how immensely blessed I am. (Yes, I'm bragging.) 

my view

the laptops view

Some days, I can't believe how fortunate I am. 2 amazing babies, a wonderful husband, a cute little house in the mountains filled with everything we could ever need. 

And this husband of mind is such a blessing to me. Not only does he shower me with never-ending love, he also takes every chance he has to bless me in any way he can. We were driving home a couple weeks ago and he asked me what I wanted for my birthday (still several weeks away). I told him I hadn't really thought about it. He paused, then asked me if I'd like to go visit some friends who live in Florida. I had to replay it in my head a few times. Of course, I do! So in 15 days, I'll be on a plane to Sunny Florida for a much needed get away. See what I mean? I told him he's not allowed to get me anything for at least the next year. He laughed at me and walked away. That man! : )

All Boy

This sweet sweet boy of ours brought us to tears over the weekend. We were sitting at Applebee's for lunch, and he didn't NEED a booster seat to reach the table. Jon and I both teared up. I felt my throat clog up a little. The poor waitress had to some back several times before we were ready to place our order. Anyway, this isn't a sad post...at least not all sad. One more tearful bit before we move on...

I'm one of those people who clearance shops 1 season ahead. It's so much cheaper to clothe my little people that way...and they still get to wear top of the line stuff for a fraction of the cost. Anyways...while shopping for Isaiah's summer clothes for next summer, I had to cross the isle to the little boys section. I nearly burst into uncontrollable sobs right then and there.

No booster seat AND shopping in the boy section?? That's too much to take in all at once!! Really! I didn't cry when he turned 1, but me oh my! This reaction to these 'accomplishments' was not expected.

Okay - on to the cuter, happier stuff.

Jon has been out of town quite a bit and, to be honest, it makes me a bit cranky. One night while getting the kids ready for bed Isaiah asked me "Mama, what's wrong?" I told him that I just missed Daddy and that I get lonely. He proceeded to hand me his Mack truck. If you're familiar with Pixar's Cars movie you know who this is. And if you're familiar with Isaiah you know this is his very favorite toy. He told me I could cuddle with Mack tonight so I wouldn't be sad. So so sweet, this little man is.

Now for the funny.

I heard Isaiah crying his poor little heart out. I asked him what happened and he says, quite dramatically, "Sister happened!!" I about fell over laughing...which did not console his heartbreak one bit.

He is also very insistent that I should be careful. No matter what I'm doing, driving, cooking, laundry...doesn't matter, he tells me "Be very careful, Mama!" I was driving the other day, and had to slam on the breaks because someone cut in front of me. He yelled from the back seat "Careful, Mom! We're back here!!" So precious.

He's growing up quicker than I realize, but I'm thoroughly enjoying every minute.

Hard Days

The hard days are few and far between right now. I'm pretty sure I'm just too busy and occupied to have hard days. 

However, today is a hard day. I found a video of you. Deb and I were making fun of you because you were, very carefully, investigating your hands instead of doing homework. You didn't know we were videoing you, but you were pretty mad when you saw that we were. Poor you. You're pretty hilarious when you're mad/embarrassed though. I can hear you now "You guys!! Stop it!!"

I just wanna hug you. I'm past missing you at this point. Missing you doesn't seem to portray the feeling anymore. It's more like a yearning, I think. 

It feels like since I don't feel the hurt for awhile, then it finally presents itself it is all the more intense and well, horrible. It makes my chest ache. 

Regardless, I know this is how it must be for now. That knowledge brings me peace. It doesn't hurt less, but it makes it easier. 

That is all. I love you. 

More For You

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul - Christina Perri


This is just it. Feelings are changing. Acceptance is taking place. Hearts are healing...but maybe only to be broken again. The hurt you've caused will, eventually, fade into a gray memory, but for now it remains. And today, it's burning. Maybe one day you'll wake up and see the hearts that you've crushed. Then again, maybe not. Maybe everything will be healed by the time you've realized. 


You aren't the person I used to know. You had ambition to accomplish. You had dreams of being. And now, it seems they're gone...all for what? Or maybe, that is why. Because you're striving to accomplish something, regardless of who stands in your way. I'm not sure which though. I don't know you anymore. The you I knew was smarter than this. The you I knew appreciated what was given to her. The you I knew had comprehension for the feelings of those who gave her everything. And now it feels as though that person is gone. 


Know that I love you. Although, I don't miss you anymore. Not missing you seems to be upsetting me more than actually missing you. How odd. 

I'm Keeping You Forever And For Always

It's been 4 years now, My Love. It feels like such a short time, yet so much has happened. I love you more than ever, regardless of the tough moments. I'm pretty sure the tough moments are what make you so worth it. 

You have stood by me, without fail, for the past 4 years and I am more thankful than I could ever express. I am beyond blessed to have you as my partner, best friend, and team mate. 

Your love and support mean everything to me. All the little things you do for me and the babies add up to one fantastic husband and daddy.  You are an incredible man and I'm proud to call you mine. You are the best for me. 

I love you, Forever and For Always. 

Happy Anniversary! 

One of those Things

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:15

2. How do you like your steak? Well done

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema: Cars 2

4. What is your favorite TV show? Gilmore Girls...or Bones

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? 6 Kurts Way Sandia Park, NM

6. What did you have for breakfast? Coffee and a handful of frosted flakes

7. What is your favorite food? Italian 

8. Foods you dislike? liver

9. Favorite place to eat? Scarpa's 

10. Favorite dressing? Ranch

11. What kind of vehicle do you drive? Toyota Sienna & Dodge Durango 

12. What are your favorite clothes? Skinny jeans and a t-shirt

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Europe. Most of it.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Both

15. Where would you want to retire? In the white house on Kurts Way 

16. Favorite time of day? Right after nap time. Both kids are super cuddly. 

17. Where were you born? ABQ

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Football or Hockey

19. What is your favorite fragrance? Rain on a hot day

20. What is your favorite face cream? SWLS serum

21. Favorite baby/kids products? Crayons

22. People watcher? Yes. 

23. Are you a morning or night person? Depends

24. Do you have any pets? Caloughan, Teddy, Rocky Thunder

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? Hah! :p

26. What did you want to be when you were little? My mom

27. What is your favorite memory? Last summer. 

28. Are you a cat or dog person? Both.

29. Are you married? Yep.

30. Always wear your seat belt? Always

31. Been in a car accident? Never

32. Any pet peeves? Peer drivers not using their turn signals

33. Favorite pizza toppings? Sausage, black olives, green chili and mushrooms

34. Favorite flower? Daisies

35. Favorite ice cream? Bunny Tracks

36. Favorite fast food restaurant? Sonic

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test? None

38. From whom did you get your last email? Daily Good

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? None. A maxed out credit card is bad news. 

40. Do anything spontaneous lately? Every day

41. Like your job? It's the best

42. Broccoli? Steamed with cheese please

43. What was your favorite vacation? So far? Arkansas, VA and NC in 2008

44. Last person you went out to dinner with? The ladies

45. What are you listening to right now? Isaiah playing with Caloughan, Jon talking to Jayme, Switchfoot

46. What is your favorite color? I'm loving turquoise, right now.

47. How many tattoos do you have? 1. Another to come.

48. Coffee drinker? Faithfully.