Due Date

We have an official due date, folks!

April 23rd, 2013

I know, I know. Very few babies are actually born on their due dates. I'd really rather they didn't. Isaiah was born 1 1/2 weeks early. Janice-May was born 3 weeks early. Early is fine with me, as long as we make it until at least 36 weeks. 38 weeks would be preferable.

We had a check up, today. Everything is looking A-okay. I lost a little weight but the midwife isn't too worried. She has given me instructions to eat lots of healthy fats...and ice cream. Yeeeah!

13 weeks

14 weeks

I'm still wearing regular clothes, most of the time. Maternity clothes are just all bunchy and frumpy, right now. My pants don't zip hardly at all anymore, though. My belly band has been such a trooper.

The nausea is mostly gone, as long as I eat every 2 to 3 hours. The puking hasn't stopped, though. How odd. Coffee is still pretty gross, although, I keep trying it to see if I like it again.

Isaiah, frequently, rubs the bump. He asks me daily if he can feel the baby move yet. Jayme is just thoroughly amused by how 'jiggly' my tummy is. Thanks, kid.

Jon has been more of a help than I could ask for. Cooking when I'm too tired, and doing laundry when I don't notice he needs clean work shirts. One particular day, I was feeling super awful. He came home to make lunch for the kids and I. Then, he brought Subway home for dinner. Such a good man.

I'm fairly certain the baby is part jumping bean. Although, the movements aren't super firm yet, it's still incredible.

All in all, it's going well.

Oooh! In other news, we 'adopted' a super cute new kitten. We've decided to call him Teagan. He's rather adorable. He's very tolerant of the kiddos, and he's a GREAT hunter. The neighbors that live behind us said he's a stray. They took him in for awhile, but her husband and other cat didn't get along with the kitten, so they put him back outside. He wandered into our yard, a couple of weeks ago. Jon and both kids fell in love with him right away. Caloughan plays with him quite a bit. Rocky really couldn't care less about another cat in the house. Even Teddy doesn't hate him...completely.

Teagan

Oh, Baby!

"Everything grows rounder and wider and weirder, and I sit here in the middle of it all and wonder who in the world you will turn out to be." - Carrie Fisher

Coffee is disgusting. And so is tuna, and spaghetti. And avocado.

It's official. I'm a hormone souffle. A hormone smorgasbord. There is a pea in my pod.

I am growing a tiny human.

Several weeks ago, just in time for our fifth wedding anniversary, we found out we are pregnant with baby #3! I know you're wondering...most everyone is asking. Yes, it was planned. No, it wasn't an accident. I don't care if it's a boy or a girl...actually, we're kinda hoping for a puppy (just kidding...but in all seriousness, either gender is just perfectly fine).

We had our first appointment with the new midwife, last week. She found the heart beat, but it took awhile. Baby just kept moving away from the doppler. Little stinker. Isaiah got to go to the appointment with me. He is soooo excited he got to hear Baby!! He is super into all this baby stuff.

This week, we had our first ultrasound just to make sure everything is A-Okay and to get a closer guesstimate on the due date. Both kids got to go! They didn't care about it much during the actual appointment, but now they're pretty obsessed with the pictures. Isaiah says baby looks like a monkey. And Jayme says baby looks like a dragon.

Baby is strong and healthy. Super active during the ultrasound. Its heart beat is around 160bpm. The ultrasound tech said I'm measuring 12 weeks and 2 days. But my cycle dates say I'm 11 weeks and 2 days. I have another appointment in a couple of weeks. We'll get a final due date then.

little stinker #3

With my first two pregnancies, I didn't start showing until at least the 2nd trimester. And at that point it just looked like I'd eaten a bunch of Mexican food.

This time, I swear, my hips (and other things) popped out as soon as that second line on the pregnancy test appeared. All things stretchy, and with elastic waist bands are my very faaavorite. Sweats are awesome...so are yoga pants. I suck it up and wear my stretchiest jeans when I have to go out. They don't stay buttoned for long.

I've heard that after a couple of pregnancies, your body just knows what to do. However, I still find it a little ridiculous that I have a pooch already, but whatever. I'm growing a human. ; )

bump at 11 weeks (or 12 weeks according to the ultrasound)

All these insane hormones have turned me into a bit of a first trimester monster. I've pretty much turned myself into a recluse until my emotions balance out a little. Nobody comes over, and I barely go out. Mainly because I do not want to subject more people than absolutely necessary to my violent mood swings. It's horrifying to me....and my tiny humans.

I asked Isaiah to please remind me to be nice when I get crabby. He's such a great kid. He'll tell me "Mom...I don't like it when you're cranky." or "Please, be sweet, mom."

He also thinks that every one that throws up is going to have a baby. The dog threw up a couple weeks back and he says "Hey, mom! Look! Teddy is gonna have a baby!" The other day, I was pretty much chained to the toilet. He tells me "Mom! Stop it! You're gonna throw up the baby!!" We explained that the baby is safe inside my uterus.

Jayme has decided that she's going to have a baby, too. She says it's going to be a giraffe and it will come out when she poops (sorry for the TMI but it was too funny to not share).

They are both rather excited. Isaiah says he wants a boy but he thinks it's a girl. Jayme, of course, wants it to be a girl. She says her name will be 'Princess.'

Plethora of Cuteness

I walked in the kitchen to find Isaiah dancing around, singing along with the radio to Your Man by Josh Turner. It made me smile pretty profusely.

We made a road on the carpet out of masking tape. 2 intersections. Yes. 2. It even goes into each of the kids rooms. When Jon got home, Isaiah told him that I'm super mom because I can build roads.

Jayme asked me to sing the Alligator song to her while she was going to sleep. Alligator song? Really? I asked her how it goes. She said she didn't know. I ended up singing "rock a by alligator in the tree top..." about a million times. Don't judge...it's the only thing I could come up with.

Another time, she asked me to sing the tree song. After going through every song I knew how to sing, we discovered that 'the tree song' is actually How He Loves Us by John Mark McMillan. I teared up a bit.

Jayme is super insistent on helping with the dishes...after every single meal. Which means the kitchen floor gets thoroughly soaked 3 times a day. That also means that the floor...at least by the sink, is always super clean. Yeeeah!

We're remodeling the bathroom. It's pretty disastrous right now. Both kids keep asking why Jon and I are breaking the bathroom. In other news, showering in the kids bathroom makes me feel like a giant.

Isaiah has started biting Jayme. A lot. The first time he got a very stern warning to never do it again. The second time, we brought out the bar soap with the intention of making him taste it. He smelled it, cried and said he would never bite her again. The third time (and so far, last time), he got his mouth washed out with soap. It's been 4 days and he hasn't bit her since. He was explaining it to Jayme. He tells her "I have to eat soap if I bite you so...I won't bite you anymore, I guess."

One night before bed, I was cuddling with Isaiah. Jon came in and shut off the light. Isaiah burst into tears. He said I had to go to my own bed to cuddle with Daddy because he loves me and he would get lonely. Sweetest thing ever.

Both kids have started to talk like me. I keep hearing "I have to pee like seabiscuit." I suppose I should watch my mouth.

We were talking about babies with a friend who's going to have a baby. We were talking about a mutual friend who is also having a baby. We were discussing what said baby was going to look like. Isaiah gave his opinion. "That baby is gonna come out all squished up, and with a HUUUUGE head."

Some of these might be inappropriate, but I'm blogging them so I can read them later and remember why I love my children so much. Because, lets face it. When one child is chasing the other with a bottle of Windex because she got with a toy whale, or when your son stretches out the cord on his toy phone across his bedroom and you trip on it, moderately injuring yourself...well, you need a little reminder.

Breakthrough

We all know I'm one of those people that lets music get the best of my emotions. A song might not be meant to mean what it means to me. It tugs on emotions that are rooted so deeply. Then, every time I hear it, my eyes fill with tears, and that achy feeling returns. It's been far too long since I've felt whole. The bitterness I keep finding puts my heart in a blender every time. 

I'm not sure how to let that go. I've been at a place of complete acceptance, or so I thought. Then it sneaks up on me. I'll find myself crying hot tears of pure anger. Then I have to start the process all over again. It seems I'm getting closer to closure...at least emotionally. It's just taking so much longer than I think it should. 

Perhaps that's self inflicted. If I could just be happy for them in their choices. Maybe not happy, but indifferent. A "they no longer concern me" state of mind...but they do concern me. Some how. Regardless of the discord they've caused.  

Knowing that the legal portion of this ordeal is nearly over, gives me a new sort of anxiousness. Maybe just a longing for. It doesn't mean the entire rejoining of our family...maybe not at all. But it gives the possibility of wholeness. Perhaps, I need to be able to feel whole without the desired ending in mind. I keep finding myself trying to replace that wholeness with busy-ness. It's not working so well. 

At this point, a breakthrough is inevitable. It has to be, right? I've chosen to let it go, but somehow, there is still a conflict within myself. This horrible migraine is proof of that. As the conflict works itself out, the migraine will make me sick. The breakthrough will hit, the headache will go away, and I will find myself on that the next step towards forgiveness and acceptance. I will see some new miracle God has brought through something I've viewed as a disaster. This is how it always happens. I'm seeing the pattern.

Now, I wait and pray. 

Pray for You

During our most recent trip to the zoo, a young man and woman walked up to me. They told me I was on their scavenger hunt. They told me they were sorry for interrupting my trip to the zoo, but that they needed to speak with me. The young woman showed me a piece of paper with a description of myself. Denim shorts, blue shirt, glasses, and pushing a stroller.

She told me they were on a Scavenger Hunt for God. When they got to the zoo that morning, they sat in their car praying. God gave them descriptions of people to pray for...and what exactly they needed prayer for. She told me I needed prayer for trust within my family relationships.

At this point, the tears started rolling. Things have yet to resolve themselves, by any means, and my heart still aches with the distrust of those I used to be so close to. A couple of close friends were at the zoo with me. They stared in awe, just as I did. How could these two complete strangers know what I needed prayer for except through God's gentle guidance...?

The young man asked if he could pray for me. I nodded yes, because words wouldn't come. He prayed for renewed trust, and the ability to forgive, and love without restraint. He prayed for strength in being a mother, and patience with whatever outcome God has designed. He told me that I am an incredible mother, and that I have the ability to reach the desires of my heart.

I told them thank you for listening to God, and thank you for praying for me. We went on with our zoo trip.

It has been a week since this encounter, and I can't stop thinking about it.

As the situation we're in unfolds, I will think back to that time to remember that God is with me. Always. And He has my back. Always.

You're Saying it Wrong

Isaiah has become quite the directive big brother. He tells Jayme how to put toys away. He tells her how to build the train tracks, and the 'garage houses' out of Lincoln logs. He tells her how to play in the bathtub, and he tells her how to brush her teeth. 

And today, he took on the challenge of telling her how to pronounce his name. 

It went something like this - 

Jayme says "Iaiah..."

Isaiah corrects her "No...my name is Isaiah."

Jayme "Iaiah??"

Isaiah "No! It's Isaiah!"

Jayme "IAIAH???"

Isaiah "No, Jayme! ISAIAH!!!!" 

Jayme "Iiiiiiiaiah???" 

Isaiah "Jayme! Say it right! ISAIAH! Isaiah."

By this time they're both near tears, and confused as to why the other can't understand them. I really shouldn't have let it go that far, but it was rather comical. He tried to sound it out for her. He tried saying it slower. He even tried to comfort her when she started pouting and whining.

Then a conversation in the car between the two of them. 

Isaiah says "Jayme, you're ugly!"

no response from Jayme...which frustrates Isaiah. 

A few minutes later, he asks her "Sister...do you love us?"

Jayme says "Yes. I love us."

Isaiah tells her "Okay. You're pretty."

I'm not quite sure what I would do without their antics. 

Redirecting an Urge of Violence

Normally, I'm not a violent person. I've had days where punching walls seemed like a good out, but I've had broken fingers, and wrists before...so I've opted to not punch drywall. Hitting people has never seemed like a good idea...even as a kid, (I'm sure my mother would beg to differ) I can only remember a couple of times, I purposely took a swing at someone. It was usually deserved, although, most definitely not justified.

Violence makes me sick to my stomach.

However, the last week or so has encouraged an urge to punch a couple of people in the throat...or ear. Again, deserved but not justified. Violence is never justified.

I'm not at liberty to discuss such events. Regardless, I'm having a hard time understanding how someone can be so hurtful towards people who have given them everything. Supported them even though they didn't necessarily agree with their actions. Loved them, regardless of their lack of a mutual support. Forgiven them. Continued to count them as family. Let me tell you...blood doesn't make you family.

Outstanding support, love, encouragement, and dedication, regardless of circumstances. That's family.

I've heard the whole "people do the best they can in the given circumstances..." bit, and I'm not buying it, this time. Call me arrogant, or ignorant...or any other host of insults. They won't hurt me. There's not much more hurt that can be done. The whole heart in a blender thing comes to mind...again.

We reached the point where tears are inevitable...not because of heartache, but because when one is that angry, tears flow regardless of any effort to prevent such a scene.

It feels like things have just sank to a level of pettiness, and revenge. They claim that they're doing the best for themselves. Sure...burn bridge. Go ahead. You're burning them beyond recognition at this point.

Then, there's the whole 'turn the other cheek' thing to consider. I'd just like to say that my cheeks have had all they can take. I can't imagine how the cheeks of those further involved are doing. Their pain radiates, although, they're doing a marvelous job at rising above.

I hold an utmost admiration for those who can set aside the backstabbing and pain. They don't hand out more chances. They just take the betrayal and turn it into a learning experience about who to trust and who not to trust.

Learning from those people is keeping me from punching walls...and people. Redirecting the heartache and anger into something productive.

In closure...taking out an urge for violence is much better directed at my keyboard, and blog, then at people who might actually deserve it.