Over the last several years, I've heard of essential oils, and their 'magical' powers. I was a bit skeptical. Paul and his fiance, Ranae, became independent consultants for DoTERRA Oils. So I was hearing more and more about it. We've used Lavender for bug bites and stings. We used Lemon when Madalynne was jaundice after she was born. Just little things. I wasn't super confident yet.

During winter break, Jayme got the nastiest ear infection. 103 degree fever. She was listless and lethargic. She wasn't eating or sleeping well. We took her to see the pediatrician. Her ear drum had ruptured, and it was very infected. We used antibiotics. Three weeks later, the infection was back.

Ranae offered to make us a concoction of oils. As most of you know I HATE using antibiotics. They have their place, but still...I do not like using them unless it is completely necessary. So Ranae made us a little mix of essential oils in a carrier oil so they wouldn't be too harsh. She also made a detox foot soak. Before we applied the oils and did the soak, she was in EXTREME pain, and had a fever of 104.

After just 1 soak and 2 oil applications, her pain had decreased significantly, and her fever was down to just under 102. I checked her temperature 4 times before I finally believed what it said. I was shocked. We did a foot soak twice a day, and applied the oil behind her ears once an hour for the next 3 days. The infection was healed. No more fever. No more pain.

That got me hooked.

So far, we've used peppermint to lower fevers and clear sinuses. Lavender to calm, and to heal diaper rashes. Blends called Breath and OnGuard to help clear up croup. Madalynne hadn't napped all day. She was super crabby. We put a blend called Balance on her feet. She was asleep in less than 5 minutes, and took a 2 1/2 hour nap. She woke up only because I had to move her to her car seat.

I decided that since I was a believer in these magical oils, that I would go ahead and sign up as a consultant.

This is a product I believe in. I'm not going to be aggressive with it like a lot of these type consultants can be sometimes. However, I am ready to share my success (and failures). I'm so excited to see what else these oils can do! I'm already amazed!

There are oils to help with EVERYTHING. Cancer, MS, acne, ADHD, muscle pain, common cold, immune support, the list goes on and on.

If you're interested in checking it out, here is my website.

http://www.mydoterra.com/maryegrider/

An Ugly Day

Today started off beautifully. Snuggling with the sweetest of husbands, a hot shower, fresh coffee, baby cuddles, taking pictures of the layers of ice in the backyard.

Then the ugliness began. Jayme pees in her bed. A lot. My crabbiness over peed sheets takes over the day. The van has a flat tire. I have a follow up for my thyroid blood work. I ask the doc about a spot I've had on my shoulder for over 2 months that isn't healing. He tells me it's basal cell skin cancer. It needs to be removed. I call Jon. He tells me it's going to cost $900 to replace the tires. Which means we won't be able to start fixing up the house to sell just yet.

So set back. Set back. Set back.

I want to cry. Or punch something. Or both.

I know that regardless of everything going on right now, a lot of people have it so much worse.

My home is warm. I have plenty of food. The kids are healthy and happy, and they are receiving an amazing education. My husband has an amazing job. We have more clothes than we need. We have 2 working vehicles to drive.

Happiness is not circumstantial.

Sigh.

However, right this second I'm so blasted frustrated by everything that is happening. I have these visions of what God wants for us. Then I get another piece of the puzzle and nothing makes sense for awhile. Or we have another obstacle or challenge to over come. It feels like the door keeps getting slammed in our faces. Then, it cracks open a tiny bit...we get a peek of what is in store for us, then bam! Nope! Not yet!!

I know everything happens in perfect timing. That has been proven to me over and over again. I know it will be proven to me again. I KNOW that.

But right now, I'm just disheartened. I'm sad, and cranky, and just blah! And I also KNOW that my posts have been fairly depressing lately. You, as my readers, get to endure this with me. Thank you for that.

To end this post, here are a couple pictures from this morning. So beautiful.

Oceans

I've been struggling for quite some time to do what God tells me to do. The first time. Without questioning the next step, and without doubting God's supply, provision, and grand plan.

Now, I've moved forward. I've taken the first step.

Confidence was there for the first couple of weeks. Then today, I felt defeated. It felt like it was all too much and it would just be easier to curl up and pretend I never heard Him.

The women's group at our church started a study on a book by Susie Larson, called Your Beautiful Purpose. I was reading part of it on the way home from Albuquerque, today. Jon had the day off due to me having some Dr's appointments, so he was driving. I read a paragraph about allowing yourself to feel God's purpose for you. To wake up from the numbness of fear, and facing that fear, so God can take you where He wants you. I read it one time, and felt my chin quiver. Then I read it out loud to Jon. I had to stop several times to gather my composure. To quiet the scream I felt in my soul. I finished reading it, and Jon asked me to read it again. It hit him, too.

We both had a rough day. Hearing news we knew was coming, but it still hurts all the same. And trying to organize the next step that God has us taking.

I knew God was telling me to trust Him. To let me reach out to Him. To hold on to Him regardless of the fear creeping in.

We had our Women's meeting tonight. The first song we worshiped to before we started our study was this...


"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

In that moment, I felt God so close to me, telling me so clearly, that I am where I am supposed to be. I am doing what He has told me to do. And if I will only be faithful, and trust Him. I felt scolded. Like "How dare you doubt me!" Like God was offended that I would even think of doubting him. 

It pulled me back in, by His side. I feel safe again. I feel like I am where He does indeed want me, even if it scares the living crap out of me. Sacrificing what we worked so hard to have, for something He wants for me. Giving up my own wants for His desires for me. 

My eyes hurt, and I need to go spend time with my husband. I want to write more, so stay tuned. 

I Should Be Working...

...the baby is napping, Isaiah is watching his favorite show, and Jayme is with her Auntie. I have a couple clients left, and I'd love to get them done so I can get paid, but somehow my sanity seems more important. 

I'm making an effort to write more, as to preserve what little sanity I have left. If you've read this blog recently, you know I've been struggling. Struggling more than I'd like to admit. Getting up in the mornings is proving to be difficult. Loving what I do is harder than it should be. I don't like it. And writing helps, so here we are. 

I mentioned in my previous post that we are indeed moving. "Where to?" you ask. 

I do not know. 

Not very smart, eh? I feel just as ridiculous as all this sounds. 

A few weeks ago, I heard Gods very stern yet gentle voice tell me "You are selling your home. You are moving." That's all He gave me. That's all she wrote, folks! 

Jon came home that night, and told me he was praying on the way home from work and God told him the same thing. I got goosebumps, I tell you. We've had some other life changing, somewhat terrifying occurrences over the last few weeks. We'll leave these out of the equation, to uh preserve privacy, I suppose. Anyway...we're selling our house. 

Last night, we got a bit of discouraging news regarding the whole house selling adventure. Yet, I didn't feel discouraged. More curious. Excited about what God will do to lead us where he wants us. 

This morning, this verse was in my e-mail inbox. 

Now, I don't believe in coincidences. Not in the least. 

I got that overwhelming God feeling, and forwarded it to Jon. 

I know that if we don't sell our house, God did that. 

I know that if we do sell our house, God did that.

I know that where ever we are sent, and whatever we are to do, God had that in mind for us. It's part of His grand plan for our lives. All I have to do is have faith in Him and His master scheme for my, for our, life.  

I have faith that regardless of what He tells me to do, He will always always always sustain me. He will provide, protect, and love. Always. 

Jon's job has so many opportunities, and so many curve balls have been thrown our way over the last several years, I'm pretty much just antsy with anticipation.

So, I've buckled my seat belt. I've surrendered my wants. And I'm waiting ever so curiously as to what the next step is. 

As cliche as it may sound, I can't wait to see what God does next!! 

It's Been Awhile

It's been awhile since I posted.

I've began so many posts in the last few weeks. They have all ended up so angry and scary sounding I've been horrified to actually publish them. I was reading back on them earlier this week and I couldn't help but to cry uncontrollably. To know I'm feeling that much pain makes it that much more painful...if that even makes sense.

When I haven't posted in awhile, my soul gets dark. Maybe because I haven't had enough time to myself to actually write, or maybe because when one doesn't self express it squelches a part of their personality.

My heart has, once again, been filled with a bitter hate. Pray for me. Please. Things transpired have burned a part of me so badly that it feels beyond repair. Yet, I know with proper care, prayer, forgiveness, angry tears, and then of course, tears of a letting it go origin will I find healing and peace. Probably not for the last time. It seems as soon as I find healing and peace from one thing, another takes its place. I suppose that's what life is all about. Moving from one challenge to another. (Speaking of moving...we're moving. Physically. More details on that later. In the mean time, if you know someone looking for a house in the east mountains...send them our way. We're working with a Realtor as of last Monday.)

I need counseling. I know this. I don't know if it's pride, or fear keeping me from seeking the help I need. Probably some of both.

I can see the pain in my own face. I can feel the bitterness making my heart hard and not pliable. I can see the effects it's having on my life and those around me.

Right now, I'm feeling the pain. I'm letting it run it's course like I usually do. Maybe it's just that there is so much of it this time, that it's causing that much more damage to me spiritually and emotionally...and mentally.

Putting a smile on my face, and going on with my daily tasks seems to be getting more and more difficult. When people you're with on a daily basis start to notice, it's time to get things back in check. Or maybe just let them fall apart completely. Maybe that's where the putting back together stuff starts. I don't know.

I don't know what to do about all of this. Besides counseling. I suppose that's my answer, right now.

Regardless of this pain and well...trauma, I have an amazing man by my side. I have incredible children. All these beautiful people and so many others surrounding me. I am blessed. I know this. Yet these wounds fester and bleed.

I could continue this blog of self pity for awhile...but I'll stop myself.

I've started writing a book. I'll keep it's title a secret for now. As the next few months unfold, and things become more knowledgeable to the public, I'll announce it. One reason I'm telling you this is so you'll hold me accountable to finish the book. To have it professionally published. Ideally, I'd love to do a book tour, and tell my story.

I want people to know that regardless of dark times, and challenging years...or decades, there is hope. There is light. There is peace. There is guidance from an ever loving and present God. I so want to share my observations and learning of this part of my life.

All in due time.

Accepting...

...this postpartum body is easier than I remember it being. Although, I find myself utterly annoyed by the extra skin congregating around my midsection, and the extra 'breastfeeding fat stores' hanging out on my thighs, and my shirts not fitting because...well we discussed that in another post. I am much more accepting and much more appreciative of my body than I've ever been before.

Maybe that's because it has bore me 3 healthy, gorgeous children, but maybe it's because I just don't care anymore. I'm going with the first option. Since I get to choose if I'm happy or not...the first option seems 'happier'.

I feel strange saying that I'm okay with the extra poundage, but I truly am. My body tends to hold on to extra weight while I'm nursing.

Isaiah breastfed 7 months. Then he quit on his own, and I lost the baby weight by the time he was a year old.

With Jayme, when we got home from the hospital I weighed nearly 20 pounds less than I do right now. It's hard to believe, and I really don't think being that thin was good. Looking back at pictures, I looked pretty unhealthy. She quit nursing at 3 months old due to me being heavily medicated from a kidney infection that nearly shut down my kidneys. Not fun...and nursing was a battle with her anyway.

So this time, I am determined to not be bothered by the extra weight because I know it's helping with the whole breastfeeding success . And my goal is to breastfeed this kiddo until she is at least 18 months old...maybe even longer.

This doesn't give me an excuse to eat whatever I want, and to not exercise. No, it sure does not. I'm doing body weight exercises, and yoga. I'm eating gluten free, and mostly dairy and sugar free. It's tough sometimes, but I find myself wanting less and less dairy and sugar...gluten is easy because it makes me want to die most of the time. And dairy is usually easy because Madalynne throws up what looks like whole containers of cottage cheese when I eat dairy. Nasty. Sugar on the other hand...ugh. Sugar. I made fudge last night and it's amazing!! Anyway...

Here we sit, 12 pounds from my goal weight, with 22 pounds lost...well not lost, because I don't ever want to find them again. So 22 pounds gone. For good. I'm losing weight slowly...so slowly it's almost annoying. But again...Madalynne has made it SO far in this nursing expedition. It makes my heart happy...and there is a pride that comes with being the only one that has nourished my child for so long.

Anyway...I'll gladly wear different shirts, and buy a larger size of jeans. These beautiful children, and all the joy they bring me is so far past worth it I can't even begin to tell you.

Nursing Mother Problems

While I really do LOVE  breastfeeding Madalynne, this had to be written.

I'm beyond grateful that my body and the babe have cooperated this long in our breastfeeding journey. She's such a nursing champ. However, there are a few things about nursing that drive me bat sh*t crazy.

Nursing mothers will know exactly what I'm talking about.

Before you leave the house, it is imperative that you check the nursing ability of EVERY outfit. If said outfit does not meet the necessary requirements, one must change. Pushing straps down. Pushing fabric out of the way. And still making sure you don't flash the ENTIRE world while trying to feed your tiny human. While still maintaining a bit of variety in your wardrobe. It's comical. Or sad. I'm not sure which, at this point.

While getting dressed, I attempt to wear clothing that contain the 'nursing knockers.' I try to be conscious that not everyone is quite as much of a fan of them as my husband. While they are great, it's really challenging to find clothes that fit right in the chest while not swimming on the rest of my body. Typically, when I get dressed in the morning, my top fits really well. It's not revealing, and everything is where it should be. As time passes since the last time the babe nursed, said 'knockers' get larger and larger. And said top becomes more and more slutty (please pardon my description....this is hilarious to me, but it's late (for me) and I'm having a hard time coming up with 'appropriate' words). It's just challenging. I've thought about just wearing Jon's t-shirts ALL the time until Madalynne is weened, but that seems a bit dramatic.

This one might be the most annoying of all. Madalynne has reached that age where she CAN'T miss anything. Heaven forbids something fascinating should happen during the 15 minutes it takes her to completely drain both sides. Oh no...she has to get let down started and unlatch 45 times during each feeding. I'm going through a lot of nursing pads. A lot. On a side note, Isaiah and Jayme find the 'let down shower' hilarious...which is, of course, not helping with the whole distraction thing.

Oh, and clogged ducts. If you were unaware of such a thing, let me inform you. It's AWFUL!!! I mean really horrible. I've gotten more than I can count this time around. It truly feels like she's trying to suck milk that resides in my feet. I'm not kidding...that's really what it feels like. And if I happen to leave the babe with someone, and need to pump, it's guaranteed that I will have a clogged duct for the next 3 days. Miserable. Luckily, not one of these clogged ducts has turned into mastitis.

This one is new to me...milk blisters, or blebs. That one is more painful than clogged ducts. It makes me want to cry just writing about it. So if you're super curious...Google it.

Anyway, this is what I have chosen to put up with to provide my baby with the best nutrition I can. I'm embracing it, laughing at it...and sometimes swearing at it. But, among its' many benefits, it's on tap, it's the perfect temperature, and it provides me a reason to sit and rock my baby sometimes 20 times a day. And I wouldn't have it any other way.