Today started at 4:15 AM with 35 minutes of HIIT, followed by a gloriously hot shower and a giant cup of coffee. I'm thankful my day got a jump start.
The rest of the day didn't, necessarily, go badly; just chaotic. All. The. Chaos. I subbed in Isaiah's class, today. Usually, I'm assisting in the K3 and K4 classroom. 1st and 2nd graders are a whole new ballgame. I love those kids, all the same. They're brilliant, and adorable!
Today I've heard myself say "You can't microwave lions!!" and "Get out of there! People don't belong in refrigerators. You'll die!!"
All the kids came back to class from art looking shocked. Isaiah, apparently, told his classmates that when we put Teddy down, we chopped his head off then cut him in tiny pieces so he'd fit in a box. I don't even know. He told me that's what he thought we actually did. Parenting fail.
I got home at 3:30. I raked the chicken coop and added more hay, fixed the roof and collected 5 pretty bluish green eggs. I have chicken poop on my pants.
I baked a double batch of paleo banana muffins, and helped Isaiah with home work. Dinner was defrosted, prepped and in the oven by 6. And this: Maddie "ooooh fish!!" Mmmm no. This is chicken. "Uck yuck!! Me hate chicken!!" It's what's for dinner. Eat it or eat nothing. "Ooooh!! Me. Love. Chicken!!!" Followed by ear piercing screams of excitement.
Both Isaiah and Maddie bit Jayme, so she's apparently being an antagonistic turd, today. The other two have veeeery clean mouths "If you're going to bite people, your mouth will have to be clean....now stand here and chew some soap"
Somewhere in there, the girls were playing with the resistance band. The heavy duty one. It shot across the room and hit my legs. They're gonna bruise. My legs. Not the girls. The girls are fine.
During dinner Jayme started freaking out because the yellow vegetable on her dinner plate tasted like a carrot. It was a yellow carrot. She hates cooked carrots. Confusion ensued. This is Isaiah trying to explain the difference between yellow carrots and orange carrots - "it's like this: you're an angry person and I'm a happy person. But we're both still people, just like orange carrots and yellow carrots are both carrots"
My day has come to an end. Not a graceful end, but an end, still the same. A glass of wine. An episode of Phineas and Ferb (not my choice). Here's to another day...another adventure.
P.S. I hate plank jacks. If there is an exercise that I hold utter contempt for...it's plank jacks. Contempt. And hate.
Goodnight, folks.
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Five Years
Five years ago on this very day, my life changed forever. My family was torn apart. Pieces of my heart went in different directions. Everything fell apart. I sank. I sank into a depression I didn't know I was in.
I got help. I'm healing.
Now, on this anniversary, this time of the year, it comes flooding back. Pieces of my heart are back, fractured, but back. And other pieces have been ripped away. I didn't realize how bad it was until I was doing better, and then worse again. I know it will get better.
It will probably feel like this forever, though I would imagine it will get easier, eventually. It won't ever be the same; not that I want it to be. However, that grief, the loss, it is still there. And this time of year, it's torn wide open. Raw.
I think that's okay. We aren't supposed to sweep our feelings under the rug. At the same time, we aren't supposed to expose them to every person we encounter.
So, excuse me if I'm not myself. Excuse me if my eyes are red and tired. Excuse me if I can't seem to involve myself. It will pass. It will pass.
I got help. I'm healing.
Now, on this anniversary, this time of the year, it comes flooding back. Pieces of my heart are back, fractured, but back. And other pieces have been ripped away. I didn't realize how bad it was until I was doing better, and then worse again. I know it will get better.
It will probably feel like this forever, though I would imagine it will get easier, eventually. It won't ever be the same; not that I want it to be. However, that grief, the loss, it is still there. And this time of year, it's torn wide open. Raw.
I think that's okay. We aren't supposed to sweep our feelings under the rug. At the same time, we aren't supposed to expose them to every person we encounter.
So, excuse me if I'm not myself. Excuse me if my eyes are red and tired. Excuse me if I can't seem to involve myself. It will pass. It will pass.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
When the Crazy Kicks In
A lady from our church started a home group a few weeks ago. Among so many other things I'm learning, it has highlighted the importance of spending time alone with God before the day gets going, putting all your worries, fears, and insecurities in His hands. Letting him handle your heartbreak so you can function.
When I get up early to have that beloved time I'm much less discombobulated, emotional, and just downright crabby. The last few weeks have exposed some things within myself, that I didn't know I was struggling with. It is a daily struggle, and each day comes with new struggles.
Some days, all these happenings really do get the best of me. I lose my ability to take the next step. I can't breath. It feels like my whole world is crashing down around me. Despite KNOWING that I'm surrounded by love on more sides than not, feeling completely alone and abandoned.
I'm realizing that feeling that way is OK. Feel it. Pay attention to it. Watch it go by. Then, get your chin up, and keep moving forward.
Anyway, Deb showed me this song, yesterday. It fits. :)
When I get up early to have that beloved time I'm much less discombobulated, emotional, and just downright crabby. The last few weeks have exposed some things within myself, that I didn't know I was struggling with. It is a daily struggle, and each day comes with new struggles.
Some days, all these happenings really do get the best of me. I lose my ability to take the next step. I can't breath. It feels like my whole world is crashing down around me. Despite KNOWING that I'm surrounded by love on more sides than not, feeling completely alone and abandoned.
I'm realizing that feeling that way is OK. Feel it. Pay attention to it. Watch it go by. Then, get your chin up, and keep moving forward.
Anyway, Deb showed me this song, yesterday. It fits. :)
Saturday, May 24, 2014
No Less of a Woman...Still
After Isaiah was born, I wrote an article for a newsletter my dad was publishing. The labor and delivery was the furthest from what we imagined and wanted it to be. I thought about being upset, or mad, or any host of emotions about how his birth went.
I decided that even though it didn't go anywhere near how I wanted it to go, my body still did what it was supposed to do. I carried and birthed a beautiful baby. Even if I would have had to have a c-section, I still would have birthed a baby. The article I wrote was called No Less of a Woman.
I decided that even though it didn't go anywhere near how I wanted it to go, my body still did what it was supposed to do. I carried and birthed a beautiful baby. Even if I would have had to have a c-section, I still would have birthed a baby. The article I wrote was called No Less of a Woman.
My body did exactly what it was supposed to do, therefore, I was no less of a woman.
Almost 3 years ago, after a yearly exam, I was told I had precancerous changes of my cervix. We managed it for awhile. They told us that if we wanted another baby we shouldn't waste time. After Madalynne was born, we found that it had progressed. Dramatically. We did a few tests. They gave me some options.
We decided that if we fought it, we ran the risk of me not being healthy enough to take care of the wonderful children we already have. I'd sacrifice years of their childhood for a small chance at maybe having another baby one day. A baby that we weren't sure we wanted.
We decided that three was a pretty great number. I mean, that's perfect right? Isaiah, Janice-May, Madalynne? That's beautiful. At least, I think it is....and that's all that matters.
After talking with my doctor about it, and having another biopsy done we decided it was best to go ahead and remove the culprit.
Soooo....goodbye baby factory.
Soooo....goodbye baby factory.
The insurance company came through. Thankfully.
Next month I'm having a hysterectomy.
For my kids.
For my quality of life.
For my husband.
For the cost effectiveness of it.
I'm slightly terrified it's going to leave me feeling empty, less of a woman, and like I'm somehow broken and damaged beyond repair. That's definitely better than the alternative, but still...terrified.
I know I've accomplished what I wanted to. Having babies.
Some might call me crazy, but that's what I always wanted while I was growing up; To have a bunch of little rug rats running around. I love it...even though it does indeed drive me crazy.
And I know without a doubt that this is the very best choice for me. I'm young. I have my whole life ahead of me.
I feel selfish...yet somehow like I am giving up a part of myself. It's all a matter of perspective, I suppose.
For the cost effectiveness of it.
I'm slightly terrified it's going to leave me feeling empty, less of a woman, and like I'm somehow broken and damaged beyond repair. That's definitely better than the alternative, but still...terrified.
I know I've accomplished what I wanted to. Having babies.
Some might call me crazy, but that's what I always wanted while I was growing up; To have a bunch of little rug rats running around. I love it...even though it does indeed drive me crazy.
And I know without a doubt that this is the very best choice for me. I'm young. I have my whole life ahead of me.
I feel selfish...yet somehow like I am giving up a part of myself. It's all a matter of perspective, I suppose.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Over the last several years, I've heard of essential oils, and their 'magical' powers. I was a bit skeptical. Paul and his fiance, Ranae, became independent consultants for DoTERRA Oils. So I was hearing more and more about it. We've used Lavender for bug bites and stings. We used Lemon when Madalynne was jaundice after she was born. Just little things. I wasn't super confident yet.
During winter break, Jayme got the nastiest ear infection. 103 degree fever. She was listless and lethargic. She wasn't eating or sleeping well. We took her to see the pediatrician. Her ear drum had ruptured, and it was very infected. We used antibiotics. Three weeks later, the infection was back.
Ranae offered to make us a concoction of oils. As most of you know I HATE using antibiotics. They have their place, but still...I do not like using them unless it is completely necessary. So Ranae made us a little mix of essential oils in a carrier oil so they wouldn't be too harsh. She also made a detox foot soak. Before we applied the oils and did the soak, she was in EXTREME pain, and had a fever of 104.
After just 1 soak and 2 oil applications, her pain had decreased significantly, and her fever was down to just under 102. I checked her temperature 4 times before I finally believed what it said. I was shocked. We did a foot soak twice a day, and applied the oil behind her ears once an hour for the next 3 days. The infection was healed. No more fever. No more pain.
That got me hooked.
So far, we've used peppermint to lower fevers and clear sinuses. Lavender to calm, and to heal diaper rashes. Blends called Breath and OnGuard to help clear up croup. Madalynne hadn't napped all day. She was super crabby. We put a blend called Balance on her feet. She was asleep in less than 5 minutes, and took a 2 1/2 hour nap. She woke up only because I had to move her to her car seat.
I decided that since I was a believer in these magical oils, that I would go ahead and sign up as a consultant.
This is a product I believe in. I'm not going to be aggressive with it like a lot of these type consultants can be sometimes. However, I am ready to share my success (and failures). I'm so excited to see what else these oils can do! I'm already amazed!
There are oils to help with EVERYTHING. Cancer, MS, acne, ADHD, muscle pain, common cold, immune support, the list goes on and on.
If you're interested in checking it out, here is my website.
http://www.mydoterra.com/maryegrider/
During winter break, Jayme got the nastiest ear infection. 103 degree fever. She was listless and lethargic. She wasn't eating or sleeping well. We took her to see the pediatrician. Her ear drum had ruptured, and it was very infected. We used antibiotics. Three weeks later, the infection was back.
Ranae offered to make us a concoction of oils. As most of you know I HATE using antibiotics. They have their place, but still...I do not like using them unless it is completely necessary. So Ranae made us a little mix of essential oils in a carrier oil so they wouldn't be too harsh. She also made a detox foot soak. Before we applied the oils and did the soak, she was in EXTREME pain, and had a fever of 104.
After just 1 soak and 2 oil applications, her pain had decreased significantly, and her fever was down to just under 102. I checked her temperature 4 times before I finally believed what it said. I was shocked. We did a foot soak twice a day, and applied the oil behind her ears once an hour for the next 3 days. The infection was healed. No more fever. No more pain.
That got me hooked.
So far, we've used peppermint to lower fevers and clear sinuses. Lavender to calm, and to heal diaper rashes. Blends called Breath and OnGuard to help clear up croup. Madalynne hadn't napped all day. She was super crabby. We put a blend called Balance on her feet. She was asleep in less than 5 minutes, and took a 2 1/2 hour nap. She woke up only because I had to move her to her car seat.
I decided that since I was a believer in these magical oils, that I would go ahead and sign up as a consultant.
This is a product I believe in. I'm not going to be aggressive with it like a lot of these type consultants can be sometimes. However, I am ready to share my success (and failures). I'm so excited to see what else these oils can do! I'm already amazed!
There are oils to help with EVERYTHING. Cancer, MS, acne, ADHD, muscle pain, common cold, immune support, the list goes on and on.
If you're interested in checking it out, here is my website.
http://www.mydoterra.com/maryegrider/
Saturday, March 15, 2014
An Ugly Day
Then the ugliness began. Jayme pees in her bed. A lot. My crabbiness over peed sheets takes over the day. The van has a flat tire. I have a follow up for my thyroid blood work. I ask the doc about a spot I've had on my shoulder for over 2 months that isn't healing. He tells me it's basal cell skin cancer. It needs to be removed. I call Jon. He tells me it's going to cost $900 to replace the tires. Which means we won't be able to start fixing up the house to sell just yet.
So set back. Set back. Set back.
I want to cry. Or punch something. Or both.
I know that regardless of everything going on right now, a lot of people have it so much worse.
My home is warm. I have plenty of food. The kids are healthy and happy, and they are receiving an amazing education. My husband has an amazing job. We have more clothes than we need. We have 2 working vehicles to drive.
Happiness is not circumstantial.
Sigh.
However, right this second I'm so blasted frustrated by everything that is happening. I have these visions of what God wants for us. Then I get another piece of the puzzle and nothing makes sense for awhile. Or we have another obstacle or challenge to over come. It feels like the door keeps getting slammed in our faces. Then, it cracks open a tiny bit...we get a peek of what is in store for us, then bam! Nope! Not yet!!
I know everything happens in perfect timing. That has been proven to me over and over again. I know it will be proven to me again. I KNOW that.
But right now, I'm just disheartened. I'm sad, and cranky, and just blah! And I also KNOW that my posts have been fairly depressing lately. You, as my readers, get to endure this with me. Thank you for that.
To end this post, here are a couple pictures from this morning. So beautiful.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Oceans
I've been struggling for quite some time to do what God tells me to do. The first time. Without questioning the next step, and without doubting God's supply, provision, and grand plan.
Now, I've moved forward. I've taken the first step.
Confidence was there for the first couple of weeks. Then today, I felt defeated. It felt like it was all too much and it would just be easier to curl up and pretend I never heard Him.
The women's group at our church started a study on a book by Susie Larson, called Your Beautiful Purpose. I was reading part of it on the way home from Albuquerque, today. Jon had the day off due to me having some Dr's appointments, so he was driving. I read a paragraph about allowing yourself to feel God's purpose for you. To wake up from the numbness of fear, and facing that fear, so God can take you where He wants you. I read it one time, and felt my chin quiver. Then I read it out loud to Jon. I had to stop several times to gather my composure. To quiet the scream I felt in my soul. I finished reading it, and Jon asked me to read it again. It hit him, too.
We both had a rough day. Hearing news we knew was coming, but it still hurts all the same. And trying to organize the next step that God has us taking.
I knew God was telling me to trust Him. To let me reach out to Him. To hold on to Him regardless of the fear creeping in.
We had our Women's meeting tonight. The first song we worshiped to before we started our study was this...
"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"
Now, I've moved forward. I've taken the first step.
Confidence was there for the first couple of weeks. Then today, I felt defeated. It felt like it was all too much and it would just be easier to curl up and pretend I never heard Him.
The women's group at our church started a study on a book by Susie Larson, called Your Beautiful Purpose. I was reading part of it on the way home from Albuquerque, today. Jon had the day off due to me having some Dr's appointments, so he was driving. I read a paragraph about allowing yourself to feel God's purpose for you. To wake up from the numbness of fear, and facing that fear, so God can take you where He wants you. I read it one time, and felt my chin quiver. Then I read it out loud to Jon. I had to stop several times to gather my composure. To quiet the scream I felt in my soul. I finished reading it, and Jon asked me to read it again. It hit him, too.
We both had a rough day. Hearing news we knew was coming, but it still hurts all the same. And trying to organize the next step that God has us taking.
I knew God was telling me to trust Him. To let me reach out to Him. To hold on to Him regardless of the fear creeping in.
We had our Women's meeting tonight. The first song we worshiped to before we started our study was this...
"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]
I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]
I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine
In that moment, I felt God so close to me, telling me so clearly, that I am where I am supposed to be. I am doing what He has told me to do. And if I will only be faithful, and trust Him. I felt scolded. Like "How dare you doubt me!" Like God was offended that I would even think of doubting him.
It pulled me back in, by His side. I feel safe again. I feel like I am where He does indeed want me, even if it scares the living crap out of me. Sacrificing what we worked so hard to have, for something He wants for me. Giving up my own wants for His desires for me.
My eyes hurt, and I need to go spend time with my husband. I want to write more, so stay tuned.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)