Missing Pieces

Learning never ends. Neither does observation.

Over the past couple of weeks, my emotions have been somewhat unpredictable. Fighting with what hurts more. Physical pain, or emotional pain. And expressing emotional pain being physically painful. Thus, smothering emotional pain to avoid further physical pain. Don't worry, I'm not cutting myself or anything. Sheesh. After surgery, expressing any kind of emotion was pretty painful for awhile. Laughing hurt. Crying hurt. I never realized how much I used my abdominal muscles. Now we know. Hah! Anyhoo, back to what has been learned through this...process.

When I'm suppressing my emotions, good or bad, its much more difficult to be with God. During worship on Sunday I found myself sitting there, completely disengaged. I couldn't get with God, at all. It was like I could see Him. But I couldn't hear Him, and I couldn't touch Him. He was just barely out of my reach. Frustrating much? Yes. Very much so. So this week I've been really irritable, and cranky.

My heart felt full, but heavy and dark. After doing some writing (see previous post), crying and praying, my heart feels much lighter...and slightly empty, partly because a few of it's pieces are temporarily gone, and partly because I haven't had sufficient God Time. The God Time is being filled...slowly, but He's creeping back in. And soon or later the rest of the pieces will be back. Sooner would be best, but there's no telling, I suppose.

But this 'empty time' is going by quickly. I woke up this morning knowing what I was doing today and knowing what I was doing tomorrow, but I couldn't believe tomorrow is Saturday. So perhaps this will all be over before we know it.

A note for you, and you, and you...etc.

I need to see these things written down so I can let go, and move on...and possibly get some points across to a few people who's communication with me has been prohibited. It's hard to keep any emotion locked up for any amount of time. So this being my safe place, here it is. If this is to you, you'll know it.

1) It breaks my heart that I haven't seen you in so long. I want to hug you and not let go. I want to cry tears of joy on your shoulder. I took fore-granted how much you mean to me. I miss you. I love you. I can't wait to see you.

2) Thank you for holding my hand through this. I'm so thankful to have someone that throughly understands what's going on. Your kind words and advice keep me moving forward. Thank you, again.

3) Isaiah keeps asking for you. He cries when we tell him you have gone away and won't be back for awhile. I know he'll squeeze you half to death when he sees you next. Soon, is what we're holding on to.

4) I hope you know the grief and pain you've caused. I love you still, but that doesn't change anything. Next time, contemplate the consequences of your actions...before you act. You're smart. We know this, but this is stupid. Stupid and ridiculous. You know how you should have gone about this, but yet you didn't and now there is more heartbreak then you can ever imagine.

5) If we see each other in the near future, I suggest you run...and possibly hide. You've torn what I love the most in half and I can't say I'll forgive and forget anytime soon.

6) I admire your ability to hold on to the bigger picture. I can't imagine how you're feeling right now. This will be over sooner or later. Sooner is what I'm focusing on.