Breakthrough

We all know I'm one of those people that lets music get the best of my emotions. A song might not be meant to mean what it means to me. It tugs on emotions that are rooted so deeply. Then, every time I hear it, my eyes fill with tears, and that achy feeling returns. It's been far too long since I've felt whole. The bitterness I keep finding puts my heart in a blender every time. 

I'm not sure how to let that go. I've been at a place of complete acceptance, or so I thought. Then it sneaks up on me. I'll find myself crying hot tears of pure anger. Then I have to start the process all over again. It seems I'm getting closer to closure...at least emotionally. It's just taking so much longer than I think it should. 

Perhaps that's self inflicted. If I could just be happy for them in their choices. Maybe not happy, but indifferent. A "they no longer concern me" state of mind...but they do concern me. Some how. Regardless of the discord they've caused.  

Knowing that the legal portion of this ordeal is nearly over, gives me a new sort of anxiousness. Maybe just a longing for. It doesn't mean the entire rejoining of our family...maybe not at all. But it gives the possibility of wholeness. Perhaps, I need to be able to feel whole without the desired ending in mind. I keep finding myself trying to replace that wholeness with busy-ness. It's not working so well. 

At this point, a breakthrough is inevitable. It has to be, right? I've chosen to let it go, but somehow, there is still a conflict within myself. This horrible migraine is proof of that. As the conflict works itself out, the migraine will make me sick. The breakthrough will hit, the headache will go away, and I will find myself on that the next step towards forgiveness and acceptance. I will see some new miracle God has brought through something I've viewed as a disaster. This is how it always happens. I'm seeing the pattern.

Now, I wait and pray.