Just So Everyone Knows...

...I have an amazing husband. He has been getting up with the kids, getting them breakfast, and making coffee just so I can get a few extra minutes of shut eye. He has put up with my mood swings, my unfiltered comments about anything and everything, sleepless night, thanks to my tossing and turning, and so many other things that would just take too long to list. I'm surprised he hasn't flown the coop, some days. And let me tell you...there is just about nothing hotter than a guy that mops and does dishes. Except for a man that doesn't mind painting my toenails, because it's horribly uncomfortable for me to do it myself.

I love this man of mine.

In other news; baby girl is still cooking...thankfully. In exactly one week, she'll be allowed to come out. Not that I could really make her stay in there. Just to be clear, I'm not completely crazy. (Hold all arguments on that one, please.)

I'm getting closer and closer to everything being done and ready for Madalynne. You know...since she'll totally notice if the carpets aren't clean. Heh.

Hospital registration is done. I picked up the car seat. All the baby clothes have been washed. The bassinet is all set up and ready. The hospital bags are packed. Mostly. There are a few freezer meals prepared. I've had a pedicure and a manicure (YAY!!).

Now for a few more weeks...more or less, left to be a mommy of just two.

34 Weeks

35.5 Weeks. 

Belly Henna!! 

To Have A Baby

As a woman nears the end of pregnancy, one of the most frequently asked questions is "what's your birth plan?"

Well, mine is to have a baby. What's yours??

Most of you probably know that Isaiah's labor and delivery was not at all what we planned for. We planned for a home birth with a midwife, a doula, and a few close friends. I wanted a water birth. I wanted to be at home.

After nearly 30 hours of intense labor with very little progress, my labor stalled. They couldn't break my water, I was throwing up, my blood pressure was going up, and our birth team, and Jon and I were completely worn out.

We ended up at the hospital. After 8 hours, an epidural, pitocin, 2 and a half hours of pushing, and, only by a miracle, dodging a c-section, our beautiful baby boy was finally born.

I wasn't mad, irritated, or upset with my birth plan 'failing'. I know it happened how it happened for a reason. Isaiah is alive. I am alive. That's the goal we were working towards. Even if we didn't get there how we thought we would. We got there.

With Jayme we planned a hospital birth with really no expectations. Early labor was intense and exhausting. Active labor was short. They wanted to monitor the baby because she was a bit early. I couldn't stand sitting still for this. So another epidural...but this one didn't work. Not the worst pain I've ever experienced but it definitely wasn't a picnic. I pushed 3 times, and had a teeny tiny baby in my arms.

This time around, the question has started popping up again.

Ideally, I'd love a water birth with no pain medications. However, sometimes things don't go how we plan for them to or how we think they will.

So my birth plan is only this. To have a baby. Madalynne Danielle will be here soon. She'll be in my arms, and my heart will get that 'I love you so much my heart might actually explode' feeling all over again. She'll be perfect and lovely and exactly as she is supposed to be.

And I will have had a baby. Wither completely natural, intervened by medication, or if I have a c-section. I will have had a baby.

Temper Tantrum

Disclaimer; this post is going to sound selfish, harsh, and pretty much horrible. Excuse my temper tantrum.

Sometimes is thoroughly amazes me how when your life is hitting the rocks, everything is going wrong, and pretty much just sucking, people freaking fly the coop. They leave...but not before causing even more damage. And then when things are looking up, and your life is overflowing with blessings, excitement and changes, they suddenly pop back in, expecting to be welcomed back with forgiveness and open arms. Pouring out apologies, and "I miss you" in an attempt to repair the damage they've done.

I'm sorry...maybe it's just me, but if you were really sorry, and if you really cared, you would have apologized oh, I don't know...like a couple years ago.

So pardon me, if I'm not all giddy with excitement with the thought of having them back in my life. Like, I don't think so. My wounds from the last time have scarred up and have started to fade away. I'm not interested in having that relationship back. I'd rather swallow hot coals, at this point. My family has been burned a few too many times, and I'm not interested in opening the door up for another chance at being hurt by the same person...again. Noooo, thank you.

I don't have enough grace for that right now. And to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure I WANT the grace for that...ever. Maybe I'm turning into a callous person, or maybe I'm just being smart about it. I'm not really sure.

I believe in second chances, and forgiveness. But I don't believe in putting my emotional well being, my family, and my pretty chill, mostly stress free life on the line to renew a relationship that never benefited me, before.

Now, before you I go further, I would like to say that I have indeed forgiven, and I'm not angry. However, I'm having a hard time knowing if I should open this door back up. Be cordial and sweet, blah blah blah...and just not bring the relationship back to what it was? Or do I completely slam the door shut? Lock it and throw the key away.

I've never thought of myself as a mean person. But I also don't put up with bull crap. I don't want or need any drama in my life. My time and energy is much better directed to my children, and to bettering myself and the relationships that benefit me on the daily. This feels a bit selfish. So maybe, I need to change my attitude.

And I know that I've been hypocritical in how I handle relationships of my own. It's sometimes much easier to just throw in the towel, then trying to fix things.

For now, I just need to pray, and keep my mouth shut so I don't say anything I'd regret. Making a hasty reply has never been a wise choice in the past, so I'm sure it wouldn't be right now, either.

Regardless, I'm not deciding yet. I haven't made a decision, and I don't feel the need to, yet. It feels like God will show me, either way. I'll know, without a doubt, what I'm supposed to do.

Temper Tantrum over.