Miss Crabby Pants

We are not talking about Miss Janice-May. We're talking about Miss Mary.

[Oh, shut your face...anybody that spends time around toddlers talks about themselves in the third person. Keep up.]

Yes, the last couple of weeks I have been increasingly crabby. Isaiah has told me, a number of times, to use my big girl voice, and to go to my room until I can be happy.

Anyway...the reason for all this crabbiness?

A year has passed. It's been over 365 days since that fateful day. And the pain is still there. Full blown. Some how the holiday season just magnifies it.

I'm not sure I believe the pain ever faded. I just learned how to cope, and keep myself busy, and occupied, filling voids wherever I could. But right now, I feel empty and raw. All my emotions are exposed. One wrong word, or glance sends me into a cascade of tears and anger.

Letting it go seems impossible. However, I'm beginning to think that letting it go doesn't mean the hurt will subside. It just means learning from it. Taking the anger and everything else, somehow turning it into something positive. "How?" You ask...yeah, I'll let you know as soon as I do.

I am indescribably thankful for all I do have. My husband, children, family and friends. I cherish them more than ever before. However, 4 empty spots remain. Their edges burn and ache, and I'm accepting that they will do so until they are filled once again. I am also so very thankful that it gets easier with each passing day.

But for now, I am crabby. And guess what? That's okay. I won't be crabby much longer. I promise.

This Life

I'm so grateful so be able to spend day in and day out with my kids. Some days it wears me out to no end. However, I absolutely love being able to be at home with my babies, while still making some bucks. 

So here I sit, in my kitchen, drinking a home-made cappuccino, listening to Bruno Mars via iTunes and Skull Candy, with the babies happily playing while watching Gnomeo and Juliet (great movie, by the way), while getting ready to tackle some bank-statements...after I finish contemplating how immensely blessed I am. (Yes, I'm bragging.) 

my view

the laptops view

Some days, I can't believe how fortunate I am. 2 amazing babies, a wonderful husband, a cute little house in the mountains filled with everything we could ever need. 

And this husband of mind is such a blessing to me. Not only does he shower me with never-ending love, he also takes every chance he has to bless me in any way he can. We were driving home a couple weeks ago and he asked me what I wanted for my birthday (still several weeks away). I told him I hadn't really thought about it. He paused, then asked me if I'd like to go visit some friends who live in Florida. I had to replay it in my head a few times. Of course, I do! So in 15 days, I'll be on a plane to Sunny Florida for a much needed get away. See what I mean? I told him he's not allowed to get me anything for at least the next year. He laughed at me and walked away. That man! : )

All Boy

This sweet sweet boy of ours brought us to tears over the weekend. We were sitting at Applebee's for lunch, and he didn't NEED a booster seat to reach the table. Jon and I both teared up. I felt my throat clog up a little. The poor waitress had to some back several times before we were ready to place our order. Anyway, this isn't a sad post...at least not all sad. One more tearful bit before we move on...

I'm one of those people who clearance shops 1 season ahead. It's so much cheaper to clothe my little people that way...and they still get to wear top of the line stuff for a fraction of the cost. Anyways...while shopping for Isaiah's summer clothes for next summer, I had to cross the isle to the little boys section. I nearly burst into uncontrollable sobs right then and there.

No booster seat AND shopping in the boy section?? That's too much to take in all at once!! Really! I didn't cry when he turned 1, but me oh my! This reaction to these 'accomplishments' was not expected.

Okay - on to the cuter, happier stuff.

Jon has been out of town quite a bit and, to be honest, it makes me a bit cranky. One night while getting the kids ready for bed Isaiah asked me "Mama, what's wrong?" I told him that I just missed Daddy and that I get lonely. He proceeded to hand me his Mack truck. If you're familiar with Pixar's Cars movie you know who this is. And if you're familiar with Isaiah you know this is his very favorite toy. He told me I could cuddle with Mack tonight so I wouldn't be sad. So so sweet, this little man is.

Now for the funny.

I heard Isaiah crying his poor little heart out. I asked him what happened and he says, quite dramatically, "Sister happened!!" I about fell over laughing...which did not console his heartbreak one bit.

He is also very insistent that I should be careful. No matter what I'm doing, driving, cooking, laundry...doesn't matter, he tells me "Be very careful, Mama!" I was driving the other day, and had to slam on the breaks because someone cut in front of me. He yelled from the back seat "Careful, Mom! We're back here!!" So precious.

He's growing up quicker than I realize, but I'm thoroughly enjoying every minute.

Hard Days

The hard days are few and far between right now. I'm pretty sure I'm just too busy and occupied to have hard days. 

However, today is a hard day. I found a video of you. Deb and I were making fun of you because you were, very carefully, investigating your hands instead of doing homework. You didn't know we were videoing you, but you were pretty mad when you saw that we were. Poor you. You're pretty hilarious when you're mad/embarrassed though. I can hear you now "You guys!! Stop it!!"

I just wanna hug you. I'm past missing you at this point. Missing you doesn't seem to portray the feeling anymore. It's more like a yearning, I think. 

It feels like since I don't feel the hurt for awhile, then it finally presents itself it is all the more intense and well, horrible. It makes my chest ache. 

Regardless, I know this is how it must be for now. That knowledge brings me peace. It doesn't hurt less, but it makes it easier. 

That is all. I love you. 

More For You

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul - Christina Perri


This is just it. Feelings are changing. Acceptance is taking place. Hearts are healing...but maybe only to be broken again. The hurt you've caused will, eventually, fade into a gray memory, but for now it remains. And today, it's burning. Maybe one day you'll wake up and see the hearts that you've crushed. Then again, maybe not. Maybe everything will be healed by the time you've realized. 


You aren't the person I used to know. You had ambition to accomplish. You had dreams of being. And now, it seems they're gone...all for what? Or maybe, that is why. Because you're striving to accomplish something, regardless of who stands in your way. I'm not sure which though. I don't know you anymore. The you I knew was smarter than this. The you I knew appreciated what was given to her. The you I knew had comprehension for the feelings of those who gave her everything. And now it feels as though that person is gone. 


Know that I love you. Although, I don't miss you anymore. Not missing you seems to be upsetting me more than actually missing you. How odd. 

I'm Keeping You Forever And For Always

It's been 4 years now, My Love. It feels like such a short time, yet so much has happened. I love you more than ever, regardless of the tough moments. I'm pretty sure the tough moments are what make you so worth it. 

You have stood by me, without fail, for the past 4 years and I am more thankful than I could ever express. I am beyond blessed to have you as my partner, best friend, and team mate. 

Your love and support mean everything to me. All the little things you do for me and the babies add up to one fantastic husband and daddy.  You are an incredible man and I'm proud to call you mine. You are the best for me. 

I love you, Forever and For Always. 

Happy Anniversary! 

One of those Things

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:15

2. How do you like your steak? Well done

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema: Cars 2

4. What is your favorite TV show? Gilmore Girls...or Bones

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? 6 Kurts Way Sandia Park, NM

6. What did you have for breakfast? Coffee and a handful of frosted flakes

7. What is your favorite food? Italian 

8. Foods you dislike? liver

9. Favorite place to eat? Scarpa's 

10. Favorite dressing? Ranch

11. What kind of vehicle do you drive? Toyota Sienna & Dodge Durango 

12. What are your favorite clothes? Skinny jeans and a t-shirt

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Europe. Most of it.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Both

15. Where would you want to retire? In the white house on Kurts Way 

16. Favorite time of day? Right after nap time. Both kids are super cuddly. 

17. Where were you born? ABQ

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Football or Hockey

19. What is your favorite fragrance? Rain on a hot day

20. What is your favorite face cream? SWLS serum

21. Favorite baby/kids products? Crayons

22. People watcher? Yes. 

23. Are you a morning or night person? Depends

24. Do you have any pets? Caloughan, Teddy, Rocky Thunder

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? Hah! :p

26. What did you want to be when you were little? My mom

27. What is your favorite memory? Last summer. 

28. Are you a cat or dog person? Both.

29. Are you married? Yep.

30. Always wear your seat belt? Always

31. Been in a car accident? Never

32. Any pet peeves? Peer drivers not using their turn signals

33. Favorite pizza toppings? Sausage, black olives, green chili and mushrooms

34. Favorite flower? Daisies

35. Favorite ice cream? Bunny Tracks

36. Favorite fast food restaurant? Sonic

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test? None

38. From whom did you get your last email? Daily Good

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? None. A maxed out credit card is bad news. 

40. Do anything spontaneous lately? Every day

41. Like your job? It's the best

42. Broccoli? Steamed with cheese please

43. What was your favorite vacation? So far? Arkansas, VA and NC in 2008

44. Last person you went out to dinner with? The ladies

45. What are you listening to right now? Isaiah playing with Caloughan, Jon talking to Jayme, Switchfoot

46. What is your favorite color? I'm loving turquoise, right now.

47. How many tattoos do you have? 1. Another to come.

48. Coffee drinker? Faithfully. 

For My Love

Then

Now

In 1 month, Jon and I will celebrate 4 years of marriage.

How is it possible that 4 years have gone by already?

I've known this crazy man for 8 years. We've been a pair for 5 1/2 years.

It most certainly has not been a walk in the park...more like a marathon, or so it feels. But still in the park. We've had some storms, but the sun always shines. I'm beyond grateful to have him by my side, holding my hand through life's challenges and journeys.

And once again my feelings are being translated through music. It's another one of those cheesy songs, but it's pretty perfect if ya ask me...

Be Attractive...

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.  For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.  For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.  As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others. 
- Audrey Hepburn

Bounce This Along!

U.S. Postal service sent out a message to all letter carriers to put a sheet of Bounce in their uniform pockets to keep yellow-jackets away.


Use them all the time when playing baseball and soccer. I use it when I am working outside. It really works. The insects just veer around you.


All this time you've just been putting Bounce in the dryer!


1. It will chase ants away when you lay a sheet near them. It also repels mice.


2. Spread sheets around foundation areas, or in trailers, or cars that are sitting and it keeps mice from entering your vehicle.


3. It takes the odor out of books and photo albums that don't get opened too often.


4. It repels mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season.


5. Eliminate static electricity from your television (or computer) screen.


6. Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling..


7. To keep soap scum from adhering to your shower doors, wipe with Bounce.


8. To freshen the air in your home - Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang in the closet.


9. Put Bounce sheet in vacuum cleaner.


10. Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through a sheet of Bounce before beginning to sew.


11. Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing. 


12. To freshen the air in your car - Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.


13. Clean baked-on foods from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in a pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The anti-static agent apparently weakens the bond between the food and the pan..


14. Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket. 


15. Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the loose hairs.


16. Eliminate static electricity from Venetian blinds.. Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.


17. Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.


18. Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.


19. Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight. 


20. Golfers put a Bounce sheet in their back pocket to keep the bees away.


21. Put a Bounce sheet in your sleeping bag and tent before folding and storing them. It will keep them smelling fresh.


22.Wet a Bounce sheet, hose down your car, and wipe love bugs off easily with the wet Bounce.


23. Put a sheet of Bounce in your suitcase when traveling, it will help keep mites or any other critters out of it.  While you are at it, travel with several Bounce sheets and run them up and down your bed linen before getting into bed, it will cause all the critters already in your bed to run.  Keep a sheet in your suitcase even after you have unpacked to protect your suitcases from bugs nesting in it.

You Won't Relent

The worship team at our church started playing this song a couple weeks ago.

It is another of those songs that gives me goosebumps and makes my knees weak.

It is another of those songs that entirely overwhelms me with His Love.

It is on repeat.

The last months have completely required me to let go of whatever outcome I'm hoping for and just give it to God. He has and will bring more out of this time than I can ever imagine.

Like in the song, there doesn't seem to be anything that can quench this thirst for His Presence. I know He is around me always. Filling my day with things that remind me of the Bigger Picture, and His love for me, keeps me moving positively forward.

This Home Runs on Love...

I'd have to say this is a bit more than accurate. Without the amount of love that these small people of mine express on the daily, we'd be oh so lost.

Sometimes their expression of said love are a bit strange. Like when Isaiah gives kisses and blows raspberries at the same time. Which, of course, leads to uncontrollable fits of hysterical laughter. I've never seen a kid laugh so hard as when he gets slobber all over his mama's face while giving her 'smoochies." His laughter makes my heart swell up to a million times it's normal size...if that's even possible. For arguments sake, we'll just say it is. Mmk? ;-)

Janice-May has started laughing this husky little laugh. She's so manly for such a little girl. It's rather hilarious. [as soon as I catch it on video I'll post it] That leads to bounds of laughter from a very amused mama.

However, to be able to find humor in such things, there must be a plethora[Jon says I use that word too much...I probably do, but it just sounds good] of coffee involved. Today, for example, I had three cups before noon, and then found myself making another pot when the kids woke up from naps. How sad. Just to clarify - it is only the mama and daddy that consume coffee. The babies aren't allowed, but I'm pretty sure they're tremendously thankful their parents ingest this liquid life[heaping sarcasm]. But...we're all alive, fed, clean[mostly...we did have some dirt uni-brows today - I'm not joking], and fairly amused with the adventures of our day. So all is well. Right? Right.

More often than not, I find myself grinning from ear to ear about something these babies of mine have done. A few days ago, after Janice-May woke up from her nap, Isaiah was asking oh so concerned if she had a good night night and if she wanted a fruit snack. His questions were adorable...her answers even more so. Nodding her little head while Isaiah held her hand and shared his snack [a rare occurrence, might I add.] Or when they're playing in the little playhouse outside, and Isaiah opens the door for her. So freaking cute! That, too, makes my heart swell up to a million times it's normal size.

This, right here, is what I live for...not just the coffee [more sarcasm...but seriously] but the love and laughter, too.

Real Women

Excuse me while I throw this down, I’m tired of hearing the idiocy repeated by people who ought to know better.

Real women do not look like just one thing.

Real women have curves, and not.   They are tall, and not.  They are brown-skinned, and olive-skinned, and not.  They have small breasts, and big ones, and no breasts whatsoever.

Real women have big hands and small hands and long elegant fingers and short stubby fingers and manicures and broken nails with dirt under them.

Real women have armpit hair and leg hair and pubic hair and facial hair and chest hair and sexy moustaches and full, luxuriant beards.  Real women have none of these things, spontaneously or as the result of intentional change.  Real women are bald as eggs, by chance and by choice and by chemo.  Real women have hair so long they can sit on it.  Real women wear wigs and weaves and extensions and textured rubber swim caps with the plastic flowers on the sides.

Real women wear high heels and skirts.  Or not.

Real women are feminine and smell good and they are masculine and smell good and they are androgynous and smell good, except when they don’t smell so good, but that can be changed if desired because real women change stuff when they want to.

Real women have ovaries.  Unless they don’t, and sometimes they don’t because they were born that way and sometimes they don’t because they had to have their ovaries removed.  Real women have uteruses, unless they don’t, see above. 

Real women are fat.  And thin.  And both, and neither, and otherwise.  Doesn’t make them any less real.

There is a phrase I wish I could engrave upon the hearts of every single person, everywhere in the world, and it is this sentence which comes from the genius lips of the grand and eloquent Mr. Glenn Marla.

There is no wrong way to have a body.

I’m going to say it again because it’s important: There is no wrong way to have a body.

And if your moral compass points in any way, shape, or form to equality, you need to get this through your thick skull and stop with the “real women are like such-and-so” crap.

You are not the authority on what “real” human beings are, and who qualifies as “real” and on what basis.  All human beings are real.

Yes, I know you’re tired of feeling disenfranchised.  It is a tiresome and loathsome thing to be and to feel.  But the disenfranchisement of others is not going to solve that problem.  Solidarity has to start somewhere and it might as well be with you and me. Just saying.

Now I Know My A B C's

A: authenticity - be real, be yourself, speak your truth.

B: beauty - is everywhere, we need to open our hearts and our minds to find it!

C: compassion - take the time to care for others, ask how someone is and listen.

D: daring - be brave, take risks and have adventures!

E: extraordinary - think outside of the ordinary, go above and beyond mediocre!

F: funny - be funny, see the funny, laugh at yourself, don't take things too seriously.

G: generosity - be generous with your time, your love and your abilities.

H: happy - keep it simple, tune into what gives you butterflies and you will know happy.

I: intuition - listen closely, sit in silence, don't talk too much and you will truly hear.

J: joy - feel the joy in each and every moment, joy is in everyone, learn to release it.

K: kindness - the simple act of kindness has the power to change lives.

L: love - use the word often, you cannot have too much love, the more the merrier!

M: memories - our most precious gift from one generation to another, share them often.

N: nice - be nice, always, expect nothing in return, feel the inner and outer glow.

O: organised - it really does make life easier, make some lists and break goals down into pieces.

P: passion - discover your passion and follow it, don't do anything without your passion.

Q: quiet - meditate, remove yourself from the noise of life for at least a few minutes a day.

R: reflect - don't dwell in the past, simply reflect with an open mind and be gentle on yourself.

S: self care - do at least one thing a day that nurtures YOU.

T: thoughtful - consider others and what you can do to make them feel loved.

U: unique - look for the thing or the person who stands out from the trend.

V: vivid - life is filled with colour, and colour improves our mood, live in full colour!

W: wonder - always look at life through the eyes of a child, see everything as a miracle.

X: xtra - develop a career that is true to your passion and always do that little bit xtra every day.

Y: youthful - the feeling of youthfulness need never fade, hold it tightly in your heart and never let go.

Z: zany - be a little silly, don't be afraid to be different.

No More Baby

Blogging has been on the back burner as of lately. By the time I have time to sit down and write, I've either forgotten anything hilarious I had to share with you, or I can't quite put what I would like to say into words.

It's frustrating.  

Finally, I'm sitting down with a cup of hot coffee (I will continue to drink hot coffee no matter how hot it gets outside) and semi silence. Isaiah just went down for a nap. Janice-May brought me the Leap Frog Letter DVD. She's sitting quietly (which is a little unusual for her) in her new chair, learning her alphabet (sort of). 

Today, Isaiah was "fightin," as he calls it, with Caloughan. Caloughan got a little too rough, so Isaiah told him "Stop it! Go bite mom!!!" Uhm, sir...I don't think so. He is doing really well with him, though. The first couple weeks were rough just because the kids aren't used to dogs bigger than our cat. 

A friend of ours gave the kids one of those Flintstones style cars. Isaiah's favorite thing to do with it is to push Janice-May to the furthest corner of our almost acre and leave her there. Poor kid. She gets so ticked off. I think the reason he does that is so he can play undisturbed for the 15 minutes it takes her to get out of the car and march her bossy little self back up to the house. She points a finger at him, while swinging her other arm dramatically and yelling at him. It's rather hilarious. 

Isaiah so kindly let me know that he isn't a baby anymore. He told me that now he's a big kid. Slightly heartbreaking, but we knew it was coming, right? I told him he can be a big kid as long as he still cuddles with his mama. Then I told him he would always be my baby. He said "Nuh uh, mama. I'm your son." So true, little man. 

I'm beyond thankful for these babies of mine.

A Mama's Amusement

As a mother, I knew would there would be challenges, disasters, catastrophes [it really is this dramatic with a 3 year old boy and a 16 month old girl in the house] so on and so forth. Between smashed fingers, bee stings, scrapped knees and black eyes, it's been a rather painful, yet amusing journey so far. If they entertain me this much being so young, I can't imagine what hilariousness they'll provide in the years to come.

-Here are just a few things I've heard exit my mouth that on second thought made me laugh so hard I nearly produced tears-

"Why are there DVD's in the toilet?"

"Golf balls do NOT belong in the oven."

"Cat poop is not for playing with!"

"Stop chewing on the baby...."

"Here - give me your boogers."

"Stop eating live bugs and they'll stop biting your tongue."

"Get away from the dogs butt."


-I heard myveryown mama say these over and over again. I swore to never say them. Fail. Epic fail. I say them at least daily.-

"Because I'm the mom. That's why!"

"Don't make me pull this car over."

"Just wait until Dad gets home!"

-Quotes from Isaiah-

after hurting Jayme, Isaiah tell me "Isaiah hurt sister, but she's fine.

"Mama! My butt is huge!!"

"My is not cute. Sister is cute."

Jayme has reached the stage where she knows that if she does something she shouldn't, then acts cute [Example: saying "Lub lu (love you)", smiling and waving, or pulling her shirt over her face] she'll produce giggles from her mama thus avoiding extensive discipline.

Jon is fully capable of maintaining a straight face and proceeding with whatever consequence she's being dealt.

I, however, am not. When he's being serious with her, I have to leave the room so my bursts of laughter doesn't further encourage her comical misbehavior.

At the end of most days, I'm ready to distribute mild sedatives. Psh! Who needs bedtime stories (I joke. I joke). But really - after wiping noses, hands and butts all day long, I'm just plain exhausted. Not to mention the household demands. I'm still at a loss with the kitchen floor. I swear, it's dirtier AFTER I've mopped.

Back to my point. Day after day with the kids just wears you out. I'm pretty sure Mama needs nap time more than the babies do. But still the same, I wouldn't trade this hilariousness for the world. My babies wear me out via near constant amusement. Who needs cable with babies like these?

10 Things

I found this on a blog that I follow.

I loved it so much, I just had to share!

10 things you can do in 10 minutes or less that will have a positive emotional effect on you and those you love...

#1. WATCH A SUNSET WITH YOUR LOVED-ONE... 

Nothing extra is necessary. Just sit and take in the natural beauty of the sky and appreciate being able to share it with the one you love.

#2. GET YOUR BODY MOVING...

Shake, twist, and jump around. Let yourself feel the joy of moving to your favourite music, or just the sounds in your head. Run, walk, and bike to your hearts content. You will live longer and love it more.

#3. SIT QUIETLY BY YOURSELF... 

It doesn't really matter where or when. Just let your feelings bubble up and then experience the thoughts flowing out of your mind. Clearing your head and heart will give you extra energy to get through the rest of the day.

#4. WRITE A THANK-YOU NOTE TO YOUR LOVED ONE... 

When was the last time you thanked your partner for just being who he or she is and being with you? Doing this in writing will give your partner something to cherish for the rest of his or her life.

#5. LOOK THROUGH YOUR OLDEST FAMILY PHOTO ALBUM...

The experience will fill you with fond memories and perhaps make you a bit wistful for days gone by.

#6. PLAY WITH YOUR KIDS... 

Most kids have short attention spans; ten minutes of quality time from a loving adult can make their day. It will also help you stay in touch with the child inside of you.

#7. VISUALISE OR IMAGINE A POSITIVE OUTCOME FOR ANY ISSUE... 

Medical doctors recommend visualisation to patients with chronic and potentially fatal illnesses. If it can help them, it can do the same for you.

#8. GO TO BED WITH YOUR LOVED-ONE 10 MINUTES EARLIER THAN USUAL...

Then spend that time just holding each other. Let the feeling of warmth from your loved-one move through you.

#9. HANG OUT BY SOME WATER... 

Studies show that hospital patients who can see a natural body of water from their beds get better at a 30 percent faster rate. If you're not near the coast or a lake, try taking a bath. Doing so is also healing.

#10. WATCH THIS VIDEO...

This is a deeply moving segment that may be the best ten minutes you've ever invested in front of a computer.


Sadly, most of us measure happiness by how long the experience lasts.
The truth is that a few minutes of joy here and there can make a big difference in what you get out of life.

13 Years of a Beautiful Blessing

You probably won't be amused with my calling you beautiful, my baby brother, but you are to me. And handsome, funny, sweet, and the coolest dude one could have as a baby brother. You are an incredible kid and I am beyond proud of who you're growing up to be. I'm also ridiculously proud to have you as my brother.

In a few hours you will officially be a teenager.

Here are a few things you should know...

1) It's much easier than you think it is, but you won't realize that until it's over.
2) Make sure you say thank you, and I love you more than is required.
3) Sleep on a decision before acting on it.
4) Always brush your teeth, and always wear clean underwear....and deodorant.

I'll always remember the day you were born. And the first time I got to hold you. I was so proud to be your big sister...still am. I'll always remember your first steps, you crawling bare-butt naked across the trampoline because you lost your diaper, and I'll always remember your sweet baby cuddles. It doesn't seem like 13 years have gone by.

Happy Birthday, sweet boy. I miss you a whole lot and I hope you get enough Birthday Hugs to make up for the hugs I can't give you.

I'm stock piling my overdue hugs for you, though...don't worry.

Bring The Rain

The last few days I've felt a bit of a break down coming on. It's been 6 months now, and I dislike it now more so than before...which I didn't think would ever be possible. After bawling like a freaking baby for awhile, my migraine from earlier in the day was back full force. (Thank goodness for Excedrin. Whew!) We're surviving. Barely.

Anyway, this smart lady I talked to today told me that you don't have to keep yourself pulled together all the time. That got the waterworks started for sure. She told me that's what God is there for. 


I know this...well, I thought I did. But today, I got way too overwhelmed with it all. 


This song came on the radio. I turned it up pretty loud (which didn't exactly help the migraine. Fail.), and then tracked it down on YouTube. I've listened to it about 20 times. 


I feel better after having bawled for awhile. Cleansed, somehow. If crying didn't make me so darned puffy and red I'd probably let it happen more often. 







I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain

So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

A New Beginning

This past Sunday, I was baptized. I chose to do so because I want to start over. I'm starting fresh. I've felt the tugging to do so for a long time, and I've pushed it out of my mind over and over again. Since I made the decision a couple months ago (putting it off only because the baptistery is freaking cold, even during the summer) I've noticed changes in my life.

Little changes. But it's the little things that count, right? I've noticed that I look for the positive in everything...and everyone. Sometimes it's more challenging than I'd like, but now it's just habit. And it feels like God is closer than before. If that's even possible. For several months I felt very alone, even though I had numerous people to count on. It just didn't seem like enough. Upon deciding to claim His Love, it feels like He is pouring His Love through me...I'm His vessel now. To me, God isn't just there when I need him or when I pray. He's there beside me 24/7. He is a hedge around me. (I remember daddy referring to God's hedge of protection around us, as we were growing up...this seems like a good analogy.) He is guiding my steps, and guiding my words. I can feel it.

I saw a quote that seems appropriate here. "There are two types of people in this world. One says "Good lord. It's morning!!" The other says "Good morning, Lord."" I want to be the latter. The kind of woman that keeps God close to her. The kind of woman that shows Love in everything she does. Obviously, this is easier said than done. I know I can't just say I'm going to do this, then keep living my life like usual. It takes constantly reminding myself to walk in love. It takes analyzing everything I do and deciding if this is best showing Love.

My being baptized is a declaration that I've chosen God and His never ending Love. But it's more than that. It's my signification that I am forever cloaked in His Love, Grace, Mercy and Protection.

Another Note

Things have taken another turn. How I wish it could just be quiet and boring for awhile. I have so many things to say, and I could say them but it's not time yet. I have a feeling it will be soon, but I'm trying to not get my hopes up. So we will resort to notes via blog hoping that she'll see it one way or another. Yelling in person seems it would be more effective, but we know why that isn't going to happen. It's worked in the past to make her listen. But like I said. Not yet. I'd rather not make a scene anyway.  Okay - Enough with my mindless chatter.

______________________

I've said it once and I'll say it again. This is ridiculous! In a few months...or maybe years [since you've proved how thick that head of yours is] you'll see how much this is hurting those around you. God brings beauty out of every situation and I see it on the daily. But not seeing you and not spending time with you has shattered a part of my world. I miss you so much it hurts. That, too, has been said before. Your choices have caused quite a bit of chaos and pain. I know that it will never go back to how it was. You've made damn sure of that. I love you to the moon and back. If I didn't, I wouldn't want to beat the crap out of your right now. I know. I know. No violence. I would just like to say, you need to pull that beautiful head of yours out of your butt, and realize who you are. And the circumstances you've put yourself in. You are my sister. Always and forever, no matter what.

______________________

Okay, so I know the chances of her seeing this are slim to none, but that doesn't change anything. When we finally do overcome this, I will love her without fail, like always. I know she won't need to see my anger and hurt. She'll need to see my love and compassion. I'm a softy. We know this. I'm overwhelmed with love for her. The sadness has faded, through sleep and prayer, but somehow anger has taken it's place. That too will fade. I'm letting it run it's course. Sometimes we have to feel the sadness and the anger to be able to find acceptance and peace, again.