Bring The Rain

The last few days I've felt a bit of a break down coming on. It's been 6 months now, and I dislike it now more so than before...which I didn't think would ever be possible. After bawling like a freaking baby for awhile, my migraine from earlier in the day was back full force. (Thank goodness for Excedrin. Whew!) We're surviving. Barely.

Anyway, this smart lady I talked to today told me that you don't have to keep yourself pulled together all the time. That got the waterworks started for sure. She told me that's what God is there for. 


I know this...well, I thought I did. But today, I got way too overwhelmed with it all. 


This song came on the radio. I turned it up pretty loud (which didn't exactly help the migraine. Fail.), and then tracked it down on YouTube. I've listened to it about 20 times. 


I feel better after having bawled for awhile. Cleansed, somehow. If crying didn't make me so darned puffy and red I'd probably let it happen more often. 







I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain

So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

A New Beginning

This past Sunday, I was baptized. I chose to do so because I want to start over. I'm starting fresh. I've felt the tugging to do so for a long time, and I've pushed it out of my mind over and over again. Since I made the decision a couple months ago (putting it off only because the baptistery is freaking cold, even during the summer) I've noticed changes in my life.

Little changes. But it's the little things that count, right? I've noticed that I look for the positive in everything...and everyone. Sometimes it's more challenging than I'd like, but now it's just habit. And it feels like God is closer than before. If that's even possible. For several months I felt very alone, even though I had numerous people to count on. It just didn't seem like enough. Upon deciding to claim His Love, it feels like He is pouring His Love through me...I'm His vessel now. To me, God isn't just there when I need him or when I pray. He's there beside me 24/7. He is a hedge around me. (I remember daddy referring to God's hedge of protection around us, as we were growing up...this seems like a good analogy.) He is guiding my steps, and guiding my words. I can feel it.

I saw a quote that seems appropriate here. "There are two types of people in this world. One says "Good lord. It's morning!!" The other says "Good morning, Lord."" I want to be the latter. The kind of woman that keeps God close to her. The kind of woman that shows Love in everything she does. Obviously, this is easier said than done. I know I can't just say I'm going to do this, then keep living my life like usual. It takes constantly reminding myself to walk in love. It takes analyzing everything I do and deciding if this is best showing Love.

My being baptized is a declaration that I've chosen God and His never ending Love. But it's more than that. It's my signification that I am forever cloaked in His Love, Grace, Mercy and Protection.

Another Note

Things have taken another turn. How I wish it could just be quiet and boring for awhile. I have so many things to say, and I could say them but it's not time yet. I have a feeling it will be soon, but I'm trying to not get my hopes up. So we will resort to notes via blog hoping that she'll see it one way or another. Yelling in person seems it would be more effective, but we know why that isn't going to happen. It's worked in the past to make her listen. But like I said. Not yet. I'd rather not make a scene anyway.  Okay - Enough with my mindless chatter.

______________________

I've said it once and I'll say it again. This is ridiculous! In a few months...or maybe years [since you've proved how thick that head of yours is] you'll see how much this is hurting those around you. God brings beauty out of every situation and I see it on the daily. But not seeing you and not spending time with you has shattered a part of my world. I miss you so much it hurts. That, too, has been said before. Your choices have caused quite a bit of chaos and pain. I know that it will never go back to how it was. You've made damn sure of that. I love you to the moon and back. If I didn't, I wouldn't want to beat the crap out of your right now. I know. I know. No violence. I would just like to say, you need to pull that beautiful head of yours out of your butt, and realize who you are. And the circumstances you've put yourself in. You are my sister. Always and forever, no matter what.

______________________

Okay, so I know the chances of her seeing this are slim to none, but that doesn't change anything. When we finally do overcome this, I will love her without fail, like always. I know she won't need to see my anger and hurt. She'll need to see my love and compassion. I'm a softy. We know this. I'm overwhelmed with love for her. The sadness has faded, through sleep and prayer, but somehow anger has taken it's place. That too will fade. I'm letting it run it's course. Sometimes we have to feel the sadness and the anger to be able to find acceptance and peace, again.