Oceans

I've been struggling for quite some time to do what God tells me to do. The first time. Without questioning the next step, and without doubting God's supply, provision, and grand plan.

Now, I've moved forward. I've taken the first step.

Confidence was there for the first couple of weeks. Then today, I felt defeated. It felt like it was all too much and it would just be easier to curl up and pretend I never heard Him.

The women's group at our church started a study on a book by Susie Larson, called Your Beautiful Purpose. I was reading part of it on the way home from Albuquerque, today. Jon had the day off due to me having some Dr's appointments, so he was driving. I read a paragraph about allowing yourself to feel God's purpose for you. To wake up from the numbness of fear, and facing that fear, so God can take you where He wants you. I read it one time, and felt my chin quiver. Then I read it out loud to Jon. I had to stop several times to gather my composure. To quiet the scream I felt in my soul. I finished reading it, and Jon asked me to read it again. It hit him, too.

We both had a rough day. Hearing news we knew was coming, but it still hurts all the same. And trying to organize the next step that God has us taking.

I knew God was telling me to trust Him. To let me reach out to Him. To hold on to Him regardless of the fear creeping in.

We had our Women's meeting tonight. The first song we worshiped to before we started our study was this...


"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

In that moment, I felt God so close to me, telling me so clearly, that I am where I am supposed to be. I am doing what He has told me to do. And if I will only be faithful, and trust Him. I felt scolded. Like "How dare you doubt me!" Like God was offended that I would even think of doubting him. 

It pulled me back in, by His side. I feel safe again. I feel like I am where He does indeed want me, even if it scares the living crap out of me. Sacrificing what we worked so hard to have, for something He wants for me. Giving up my own wants for His desires for me. 

My eyes hurt, and I need to go spend time with my husband. I want to write more, so stay tuned. 

I Should Be Working...

...the baby is napping, Isaiah is watching his favorite show, and Jayme is with her Auntie. I have a couple clients left, and I'd love to get them done so I can get paid, but somehow my sanity seems more important. 

I'm making an effort to write more, as to preserve what little sanity I have left. If you've read this blog recently, you know I've been struggling. Struggling more than I'd like to admit. Getting up in the mornings is proving to be difficult. Loving what I do is harder than it should be. I don't like it. And writing helps, so here we are. 

I mentioned in my previous post that we are indeed moving. "Where to?" you ask. 

I do not know. 

Not very smart, eh? I feel just as ridiculous as all this sounds. 

A few weeks ago, I heard Gods very stern yet gentle voice tell me "You are selling your home. You are moving." That's all He gave me. That's all she wrote, folks! 

Jon came home that night, and told me he was praying on the way home from work and God told him the same thing. I got goosebumps, I tell you. We've had some other life changing, somewhat terrifying occurrences over the last few weeks. We'll leave these out of the equation, to uh preserve privacy, I suppose. Anyway...we're selling our house. 

Last night, we got a bit of discouraging news regarding the whole house selling adventure. Yet, I didn't feel discouraged. More curious. Excited about what God will do to lead us where he wants us. 

This morning, this verse was in my e-mail inbox. 

Now, I don't believe in coincidences. Not in the least. 

I got that overwhelming God feeling, and forwarded it to Jon. 

I know that if we don't sell our house, God did that. 

I know that if we do sell our house, God did that.

I know that where ever we are sent, and whatever we are to do, God had that in mind for us. It's part of His grand plan for our lives. All I have to do is have faith in Him and His master scheme for my, for our, life.  

I have faith that regardless of what He tells me to do, He will always always always sustain me. He will provide, protect, and love. Always. 

Jon's job has so many opportunities, and so many curve balls have been thrown our way over the last several years, I'm pretty much just antsy with anticipation.

So, I've buckled my seat belt. I've surrendered my wants. And I'm waiting ever so curiously as to what the next step is. 

As cliche as it may sound, I can't wait to see what God does next!!