Oceans

I've been struggling for quite some time to do what God tells me to do. The first time. Without questioning the next step, and without doubting God's supply, provision, and grand plan.

Now, I've moved forward. I've taken the first step.

Confidence was there for the first couple of weeks. Then today, I felt defeated. It felt like it was all too much and it would just be easier to curl up and pretend I never heard Him.

The women's group at our church started a study on a book by Susie Larson, called Your Beautiful Purpose. I was reading part of it on the way home from Albuquerque, today. Jon had the day off due to me having some Dr's appointments, so he was driving. I read a paragraph about allowing yourself to feel God's purpose for you. To wake up from the numbness of fear, and facing that fear, so God can take you where He wants you. I read it one time, and felt my chin quiver. Then I read it out loud to Jon. I had to stop several times to gather my composure. To quiet the scream I felt in my soul. I finished reading it, and Jon asked me to read it again. It hit him, too.

We both had a rough day. Hearing news we knew was coming, but it still hurts all the same. And trying to organize the next step that God has us taking.

I knew God was telling me to trust Him. To let me reach out to Him. To hold on to Him regardless of the fear creeping in.

We had our Women's meeting tonight. The first song we worshiped to before we started our study was this...


"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

In that moment, I felt God so close to me, telling me so clearly, that I am where I am supposed to be. I am doing what He has told me to do. And if I will only be faithful, and trust Him. I felt scolded. Like "How dare you doubt me!" Like God was offended that I would even think of doubting him. 

It pulled me back in, by His side. I feel safe again. I feel like I am where He does indeed want me, even if it scares the living crap out of me. Sacrificing what we worked so hard to have, for something He wants for me. Giving up my own wants for His desires for me. 

My eyes hurt, and I need to go spend time with my husband. I want to write more, so stay tuned.