Well, that was cute!

Due to some more unforeseen circumstances, I'll be working from home for awhile. It's been nice so far. And I've been sleeping a lot better, too. It feels strange to go to bed before midnight and actually fall asleep. And then sleep for at least 6 hours. It's heavenly.

While making breakfast this morning, I handed Isaiah a slice of apple to keep himself occupied. Five minutes later, he comes running into the kitchen (complete with his race car sound effects) "Mom!!! Sisters awake! And she's eatin!!!" I walked in there and sure enough, she's sitting in her bed eating the apple slice...and wearing no pants. She proceeded to giggle and hand me her pants. I hope the rest of today proves to be just as adorable!

I really love watching this little miss toddle around the house. That too, is adorable. When she falls, she catches herself with her hands and  proceeds to do the Mowgli Walk. It makes my heart melt. And the few times she doesn't catch herself, face planting, Isaiah stops whatever he is doing and says "Ta da!" then goes back to playing.

Their cuteness almost makes up for all the ridiculous things they do...Actually, I think those things add to their cuteness. Like yesterday for example, I found a golf ball in the oven. And I found the Transformers DVD in the toilet. Also, Jayme has made a game out of taking all the DVDs off their shelves and taking them to various places in the house. So much for having them organized.

I'm getting that overwhelming feeling of love again.

Some Stuff

I am at terms with my life right now. In this moment, I am understanding that God is taking me where I need to go. The road is just a bit different than I expected. I'm not exactly comfortable. And I'm a little bit confused at times. I suppose we aren't meant to understand every thing all the time though. I sure as hell don't understand things right now. Not in the least. But I know He does.

I've heard this song quite a few times over the past few days. It just seems to fit right now.

Whatever you're doing - Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...

(Chorus)
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out.


I know it's time to start focusing on what I have instead of what I don't. So, I have 5 people in my life that I'm prohibited from being in contact with for the time being. But I also have countless people in my life that are there to support me, love me, encourage me, and push me through this time. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. The tunnel is just incredibly long right now. 


Last week, I started running again. Which in turn means, I've started sleeping better, in spurts, and not every night, but better still. Yesterday, I bought a jogging stroller. Why in the world is it so complicated to put together baby items. And sometimes there are pieces left over even though you follow the instructions exactly. 


Anyway, the running thing is being so helpful. Hard days are inevitable. I know this, but at least while I'm running I can clear my mind, and make a bit of sense out of things. But since I'm running again this means my pants don't fit again. Oy.


We celebrated Jon's 25th Birthday, last night. And also the anniversary of our first date 5 years ago. We ate dinner, talked for an hour, then went to a movie. I love that after 5 years with him, I still get butterflies when he kisses me. And we still haven't ran out of things to talk about. Also, I love when he gives me piggy back rides. 


Isaiah turned 3 this past Sunday. How has 3 years gone by so quickly? He is such an immense blessing to me. On Saturday he went to the store with Jon. They bought me home flowers. Isaiah says "Here, mom! Here! Flowers for yooou!!" He about made me cry. Precious boy. He still calls milk "Gulk." We've tried and tried to get him to say it correctly but he's rather insistent. And instead of "I love you.' he says "I lub lou." Jon has started asking him "Who the heck is Lou???" Isaiah finds it rather humorous. 


And last but not least, little miss Janice-May is walking! Which in turn means she is MUCH less cranky. She still has her moments, but now that she can chase Isaiah around she's a happy little thing. 


I'm counting my blessings...they seem to be more than I can count. 

Impossibility

How is this much heartbreak possible? How? I miss the little kids so much. I'm pretty sure I was just too busy to notice before. Every time I have just a few seconds where I'm not completely consumed in something, I burst into tears. It's down right painful to even try to contain it anymore.

We are not allowed to contact them until all of this mess is over with. No mail, phone calls, visitation, e-mail, texts or otherwise. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Even if we see them somewhere, we can't say "Hello." We can't greet each other or hug. If we do, we might never get our family put back together. 

Yes....I am aware that I am being dramatic. Deal with it. At least I'm expressing emotions now instead of just keeping the lid screwed on tight. 

Want to know what I find interesting? The fact that regardless of Esther being the sister that drove me crazy the most, I miss her the most. Crap. 

And I miss Daniel's handsome face. His cheesy grin. His ridiculous hair. His fat jokes. And all that incredibly smart thinking he did that he made sure everyone knew about. My little genius brother. And those brown eyes...and his hugs. Gah! 

Some moments everything feels as though it is how it's supposed to be. 

Other moments it feels like my world has been stuck in a blender and poured out on the floor, mopped up, and dumped in a bucket. And now I have to put it back together. Impossible? It sure feels like it. 

How the hell is one supposed to be happy when half her family is missing? Yeah, yeah. I know. Happiness isn't a state of being...it's a choice. Blah blah blah. Mr. Smarty Pants, Abraham Lincoln. 

I suppose I am happy. Can I be happy and be in the most emotional pain I've ever been in at the same time? 

Perhaps another impossibility. 

I know this void will be filled...eventually. I would just much rather it be sooner than later.

Unlimited

I am learning that a lot of things are unlimited.

#1) the number people I love

#2) the number of people that love me

#3) the amount of heart breaks that occur

#4) how much I miss their dear faces

#5) tears - sometimes they just keep falling

#6) the constant encouragement I am receiving

#7) God's ever constant love

...these are just a few.  Some are happy, some not so much. Some just make me cry uncontrollably. However, I've discovered that by holding in all my negative emotions, I can't express my positive emotions, either. I've attempted to not handle my negative feelings, to not give them any attention. Until lately. I haven't been able to control them. Or maybe I've just given up. Sometimes trying to keep your emotions at bay is just down right painful. Also my emotions just happen to express themselves via my tear ducts. So...I've been crying a lot. Maybe because I'm a hormonal basket case. But that's besides the point. 

Funny enough, I'm happier though. More alive, somehow. My Theory; by blocking one of my emotional 'rivers' I've blocked them all. Just a theory though. So now that I've unblocked those negative emotions, all my emotions can flow. Not smoothly, yet...but at least we're moving again.

Roller Coaster of Dreams

Last night I had a series of strange dreams. The first consisted of seeing Naomi. She was complaining because she screwed up her life, and she hated cleaning houses because she only makes $5.00 an hour. She kept saying how sorry she was for everything she did to turn everything upside down. She kept hugging me and saying she missed me and that she loved me.

I woke up crying and in a cold sweat. Not fun.

After I settled down enough to fall back asleep. I dreamed about being on a roller coaster. It was unpredictable. Even though it would appear that we were going up, we would really be going down. And even though it would appear that we were going down, we would be going up. At one point we went through a loop and I fell out but the the car made it to the bottom in time to save me from falling to my death.

At another point, we were climbing and climbing, then all of the sudden we dove for the ground. There was a Worship Song playing. I can't remember the name...or even if it's an actual song, or just a sound of my dreams. It was talking about hanging on to God. I had my hands in the air, partly praising God, and partly enjoying the ride. When the coaster hit its steepest point, I couldn't keep my hands up anymore. I just held on and screamed. I couldn't hardly breath.

Again, I woke up in a cold sweat. It sounded like I was screaming, but Jon was still asleep so maybe not.

My analogy for the first dream: I miss Naomi. End of story. And my dream didn't do her pretty face justice.

My analogy for the second dream: Life throws you curves. Life hands you the unexpected. Sometimes we think we know what we're getting, and then something else lands in our laps. Also, sometimes we are too worn down, exhausted, and overwhelmed to praise God. Sometime we just have to cling to Him and hold on for all we're worth. Sometimes we just have to let Him sooth us. It is important to know He is close. And He will never leave us.

Perhaps this is why I don't sleep much. I'm afraid of what I'll dream. I just actually remembered the dream this time.

Me, a Woman of Grace?

Oh, that's funny! Hysterical. 


You have met, or know, a woman like this: She brightens a room, can literally alter the energy before she opens her mouth. Her presence alone is uplifting, her warmth is genuine radiance, and her eye contact feels like a gift. Her compassion and confidence are unshakable. She knows herself well enough to be able to get to know you. She has no pretense about herself, has no need to hide because she lives in truth. She has no need to exalt or deprecate others or herself, and this allows others the freedom to be authentic in her company. She is the kind of woman who makes you check your posture, inside and out. She makes you want to think before you speak, not because you feel judged or compelled to impress her, but simply because she makes you want to be better. Her integrity draws others into the light. Her laughter is contagious. Her hugs feel so good you wonder how you can get another one without appearing needy. When she is happy, you want to celebrate with her. When she is struggling, you want to stand by her side.
 — Kristin Armstrong


I found this quote and it brought many women to my thoughts. 


Who comes to your mind when you read this? Your mom? Your grandmother? Maybe your sisters? A close friend? 


What about yourself? Are you a Woman of Grace?


Me? Hah! Noooo! Not in the figurative or literal of speaking. I speak my mind, without filtering my thoughts first. I would rather wear sweats and a tank top and my flip flops than dress like a lady. I have terrible posture and I belch like a truck driver. Learning ball room dancing while balancing a dictionary on my head has never been an option. You're much more likely to find me flying over the handles of my bicycle on my way down Suicide Hill. And for the record; that happened more than once. It was rather messy.


A Woman of Grace can be a difficult title to obtain, though it's easy to see the kind of influence women like this portray. I admire any woman patient enough with herself to become graceful. 


Being 22 years old...well, I'm still a kid really. A baby. I'm impatient, and sometimes cranky. Graceful is the last word I would use to describe myself. I'm learning that being graceful takes time. It takes being loving, and selfless. It takes allowing room for people, who have deeply hurt you, to change for the better. 


Over the past few months I've acquired the skills and wisdom to be graceful. But to be honest...I don't want to be graceful most of the time. I want to be right. See...told you I'm still a kid. Sometimes, being calloused and heartless just seems easier. Between cramming my emotions in a dark corner and leaving them there, and living on coffee due to a mix of ridiculous insomnia and slight depression, being calloused and heartless has just been easier...at least short term, anyway.


I don't want to be graceful. I want to be a Woman of Grace without having to work at it. That's what I want!! Maybe I will be graceful in small doses– maybe just for this evening, or during the three hours at church. Can those slender tendrils of grace take root in this calloused heart of mine?


I hope so.

Beautiful Design

Snow is beautiful. We've been over this before, I'm sure. But I feel the need to describe in detail my amazement of this world I live in. After Isaiah was born, everything looked so new and fresh to me. Sharper some how. I can't imagine how one could think this world happened by chance. The beautiful handiwork. The slopes of trees, flowers, grass, and snow. The magnificent water falls. From the most horrific beasts to the tiniest insect. Everything created with a purpose. A plan. And in perfect design. 


My amazement is renewed every time is snows. Every time Spring blossoms. Every time I sit and watch a thunderstorm. And those Autumn colors? Wow. It just blows me away. How is it possible that something so perfect and beautiful could have happened by chance. Even if there wasn't a God to create such magnificence. The cause and effect is just incredible. The loveliness of this world makes me want to sing. Just saying. That song Indescribable by Chris Tomlin fits quite perfectly. 


From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea
Creation's revealing Your majesty
From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring
Every creature unique in the song that it sings
All exclaiming

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night
None can fathom

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God
Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
Incomparable, unchangeable
You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same
You are amazing God


God is just amazing to me. How did He think all of this up? I'm not sure I could handle knowing. What an amazing imagination. And the world isn't even how He wants it...yet. I'm pretty sure I'll be speechless when the world is finally how He fully intended it to be. It brings tears, happy tears to my eyes, to just think of God's vision. I think I'll be speechless because if I try to talk or express my amazement and awe, I'll just burst into tears. 


So I'll just remain speechless.

Finding Inspiration

It's quite public knowledge that I've been working on a series of books for awhile now. This post is purely me writing just to write. I'm low on inspiration. Sometimes I come up with my most brilliant writing through just that...writing. By sometimes writing about absolutely nothing. When I'm trying to be inspired is usually when inspiration is furthest away. It's funny how that works.

When we are pushing so hard for something we are really just pushing it further away. I'm beginning to see that it works like that in most areas of our lives. Maybe it's because through wanting something we have created its void. What if instead we were thankful for whatever it is we are 'wanting', even without having acquired it yet. What if we say "Thank you!" and go about our days as usual. I bet we would be pleasantly surrounded with whatever we are craving. Like say...Inspiration. Hmm...I've written a few profound 'Komments' already. Imagine that.

It snowed last night...well, it's still snowing and is supposed to until tomorrow morning. I'm amazed that something so beautiful and pure can cause such chaos and danger. However, this chaos and danger is more caused by our reactions and actions during this lovely snowy time. How often do we take something beautiful and pure and turn it into chaos? Think about that for a second....

We have already used our winter wonderland as an example. What about the Ocean? It's beautiful. Then we have to add our water bottles, candy wrappers...and not to mention those damn oil spills. Maybe that's why it retaliates with such brutal storms. We both know that's not really why, but if the ocean had a soul, I bet it would act the same way. Maybe worse. I'm not a humanitarian or a tree hugger, by any means. But we really should take care of what's so graciously been entrusted to us. Our families, our homes, our bodies...so on and so forth.

Speaking of our bodies. Why do we think they ache so much as we age? Think about all the crud we put in our bodies. It's a bit nauseating. Is arthritis really just our bodies revolting?

Yes, I know. I'm an odd one. Yet, here you sit reading my odd thoughts. Hmm.

I'll leave you on that note, since I've found the inspiration I was (not) wanting.