Impossibility

How is this much heartbreak possible? How? I miss the little kids so much. I'm pretty sure I was just too busy to notice before. Every time I have just a few seconds where I'm not completely consumed in something, I burst into tears. It's down right painful to even try to contain it anymore.

We are not allowed to contact them until all of this mess is over with. No mail, phone calls, visitation, e-mail, texts or otherwise. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Even if we see them somewhere, we can't say "Hello." We can't greet each other or hug. If we do, we might never get our family put back together. 

Yes....I am aware that I am being dramatic. Deal with it. At least I'm expressing emotions now instead of just keeping the lid screwed on tight. 

Want to know what I find interesting? The fact that regardless of Esther being the sister that drove me crazy the most, I miss her the most. Crap. 

And I miss Daniel's handsome face. His cheesy grin. His ridiculous hair. His fat jokes. And all that incredibly smart thinking he did that he made sure everyone knew about. My little genius brother. And those brown eyes...and his hugs. Gah! 

Some moments everything feels as though it is how it's supposed to be. 

Other moments it feels like my world has been stuck in a blender and poured out on the floor, mopped up, and dumped in a bucket. And now I have to put it back together. Impossible? It sure feels like it. 

How the hell is one supposed to be happy when half her family is missing? Yeah, yeah. I know. Happiness isn't a state of being...it's a choice. Blah blah blah. Mr. Smarty Pants, Abraham Lincoln. 

I suppose I am happy. Can I be happy and be in the most emotional pain I've ever been in at the same time? 

Perhaps another impossibility. 

I know this void will be filled...eventually. I would just much rather it be sooner than later.