When the Crazy Kicks In

A lady from our church started a home group a few weeks ago. Among so many other things I'm learning, it has highlighted the importance of spending time alone with God before the day gets going, putting all your worries, fears, and insecurities in His hands. Letting him handle your heartbreak so you can function.

When I get up early to have that beloved time I'm much less discombobulated, emotional, and just downright crabby. The last few weeks have exposed some things within myself, that I didn't know I was struggling with. It is a daily struggle, and each day comes with new struggles.

Some days, all these happenings really do get the best of me. I lose my ability to take the next step. I can't breath. It feels like my whole world is crashing down around me. Despite KNOWING that I'm surrounded by love on more sides than not, feeling completely alone and abandoned.

I'm realizing that feeling that way is OK. Feel it. Pay attention to it. Watch it go by. Then, get your chin up, and keep moving forward.

Anyway, Deb showed me this song, yesterday. It fits. :)

No Less of a Woman...Still

After Isaiah was born, I wrote an article for a newsletter my dad was publishing. The labor and delivery was the furthest from what we imagined and wanted it to be. I thought about being upset, or mad, or any host of emotions about how his birth went.

I decided that even though it didn't go anywhere near how I wanted it to go, my body still did what it was supposed to do. I carried and birthed a beautiful baby. Even if I would have had to have a c-section, I still would have birthed a baby. The article I wrote was called No Less of a Woman.

My body did exactly what it was supposed to do, therefore, I was no less of a woman. 

Almost 3 years ago, after a yearly exam, I was told I had precancerous changes of my cervix. We managed it for awhile. They told us that if we wanted another baby we shouldn't waste time. After Madalynne was born, we found that it had progressed. Dramatically. We did a few tests. They gave me some options.

We decided that if we fought it, we ran the risk of me not being healthy enough to take care of the wonderful children we already have. I'd sacrifice years of their childhood for a small chance at maybe having another baby one day. A baby that we weren't sure we wanted. 

We decided that three was a pretty great number. I mean, that's perfect right? Isaiah, Janice-May, Madalynne? That's beautiful. At least, I think it is....and that's all that matters.  

After talking with my doctor about it, and having another biopsy done we decided it was best to go ahead and remove the culprit.

Soooo....goodbye baby factory. 

The insurance company came through. Thankfully. 

Next month I'm having a hysterectomy. 

For my kids. 

For my quality of life. 

For my husband.

For the cost effectiveness of it.

I'm slightly terrified it's going to leave me feeling empty, less of a woman, and like I'm somehow broken and damaged beyond repair. That's definitely better than the alternative, but still...terrified.

I know I've accomplished what I wanted to. Having babies.

Some might call me crazy, but that's what I always wanted while I was growing up; To have a bunch of little rug rats running around. I love it...even though it does indeed drive me crazy.

And I know without a doubt that this is the very best choice for me. I'm young. I have my whole life ahead of me.

I feel selfish...yet somehow like I am giving up a part of myself. It's all a matter of perspective, I suppose.

Over the last several years, I've heard of essential oils, and their 'magical' powers. I was a bit skeptical. Paul and his fiance, Ranae, became independent consultants for DoTERRA Oils. So I was hearing more and more about it. We've used Lavender for bug bites and stings. We used Lemon when Madalynne was jaundice after she was born. Just little things. I wasn't super confident yet.

During winter break, Jayme got the nastiest ear infection. 103 degree fever. She was listless and lethargic. She wasn't eating or sleeping well. We took her to see the pediatrician. Her ear drum had ruptured, and it was very infected. We used antibiotics. Three weeks later, the infection was back.

Ranae offered to make us a concoction of oils. As most of you know I HATE using antibiotics. They have their place, but still...I do not like using them unless it is completely necessary. So Ranae made us a little mix of essential oils in a carrier oil so they wouldn't be too harsh. She also made a detox foot soak. Before we applied the oils and did the soak, she was in EXTREME pain, and had a fever of 104.

After just 1 soak and 2 oil applications, her pain had decreased significantly, and her fever was down to just under 102. I checked her temperature 4 times before I finally believed what it said. I was shocked. We did a foot soak twice a day, and applied the oil behind her ears once an hour for the next 3 days. The infection was healed. No more fever. No more pain.

That got me hooked.

So far, we've used peppermint to lower fevers and clear sinuses. Lavender to calm, and to heal diaper rashes. Blends called Breath and OnGuard to help clear up croup. Madalynne hadn't napped all day. She was super crabby. We put a blend called Balance on her feet. She was asleep in less than 5 minutes, and took a 2 1/2 hour nap. She woke up only because I had to move her to her car seat.

I decided that since I was a believer in these magical oils, that I would go ahead and sign up as a consultant.

This is a product I believe in. I'm not going to be aggressive with it like a lot of these type consultants can be sometimes. However, I am ready to share my success (and failures). I'm so excited to see what else these oils can do! I'm already amazed!

There are oils to help with EVERYTHING. Cancer, MS, acne, ADHD, muscle pain, common cold, immune support, the list goes on and on.

If you're interested in checking it out, here is my website.

http://www.mydoterra.com/maryegrider/

An Ugly Day

Today started off beautifully. Snuggling with the sweetest of husbands, a hot shower, fresh coffee, baby cuddles, taking pictures of the layers of ice in the backyard.

Then the ugliness began. Jayme pees in her bed. A lot. My crabbiness over peed sheets takes over the day. The van has a flat tire. I have a follow up for my thyroid blood work. I ask the doc about a spot I've had on my shoulder for over 2 months that isn't healing. He tells me it's basal cell skin cancer. It needs to be removed. I call Jon. He tells me it's going to cost $900 to replace the tires. Which means we won't be able to start fixing up the house to sell just yet.

So set back. Set back. Set back.

I want to cry. Or punch something. Or both.

I know that regardless of everything going on right now, a lot of people have it so much worse.

My home is warm. I have plenty of food. The kids are healthy and happy, and they are receiving an amazing education. My husband has an amazing job. We have more clothes than we need. We have 2 working vehicles to drive.

Happiness is not circumstantial.

Sigh.

However, right this second I'm so blasted frustrated by everything that is happening. I have these visions of what God wants for us. Then I get another piece of the puzzle and nothing makes sense for awhile. Or we have another obstacle or challenge to over come. It feels like the door keeps getting slammed in our faces. Then, it cracks open a tiny bit...we get a peek of what is in store for us, then bam! Nope! Not yet!!

I know everything happens in perfect timing. That has been proven to me over and over again. I know it will be proven to me again. I KNOW that.

But right now, I'm just disheartened. I'm sad, and cranky, and just blah! And I also KNOW that my posts have been fairly depressing lately. You, as my readers, get to endure this with me. Thank you for that.

To end this post, here are a couple pictures from this morning. So beautiful.

Oceans

I've been struggling for quite some time to do what God tells me to do. The first time. Without questioning the next step, and without doubting God's supply, provision, and grand plan.

Now, I've moved forward. I've taken the first step.

Confidence was there for the first couple of weeks. Then today, I felt defeated. It felt like it was all too much and it would just be easier to curl up and pretend I never heard Him.

The women's group at our church started a study on a book by Susie Larson, called Your Beautiful Purpose. I was reading part of it on the way home from Albuquerque, today. Jon had the day off due to me having some Dr's appointments, so he was driving. I read a paragraph about allowing yourself to feel God's purpose for you. To wake up from the numbness of fear, and facing that fear, so God can take you where He wants you. I read it one time, and felt my chin quiver. Then I read it out loud to Jon. I had to stop several times to gather my composure. To quiet the scream I felt in my soul. I finished reading it, and Jon asked me to read it again. It hit him, too.

We both had a rough day. Hearing news we knew was coming, but it still hurts all the same. And trying to organize the next step that God has us taking.

I knew God was telling me to trust Him. To let me reach out to Him. To hold on to Him regardless of the fear creeping in.

We had our Women's meeting tonight. The first song we worshiped to before we started our study was this...


"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

In that moment, I felt God so close to me, telling me so clearly, that I am where I am supposed to be. I am doing what He has told me to do. And if I will only be faithful, and trust Him. I felt scolded. Like "How dare you doubt me!" Like God was offended that I would even think of doubting him. 

It pulled me back in, by His side. I feel safe again. I feel like I am where He does indeed want me, even if it scares the living crap out of me. Sacrificing what we worked so hard to have, for something He wants for me. Giving up my own wants for His desires for me. 

My eyes hurt, and I need to go spend time with my husband. I want to write more, so stay tuned. 

I Should Be Working...

...the baby is napping, Isaiah is watching his favorite show, and Jayme is with her Auntie. I have a couple clients left, and I'd love to get them done so I can get paid, but somehow my sanity seems more important. 

I'm making an effort to write more, as to preserve what little sanity I have left. If you've read this blog recently, you know I've been struggling. Struggling more than I'd like to admit. Getting up in the mornings is proving to be difficult. Loving what I do is harder than it should be. I don't like it. And writing helps, so here we are. 

I mentioned in my previous post that we are indeed moving. "Where to?" you ask. 

I do not know. 

Not very smart, eh? I feel just as ridiculous as all this sounds. 

A few weeks ago, I heard Gods very stern yet gentle voice tell me "You are selling your home. You are moving." That's all He gave me. That's all she wrote, folks! 

Jon came home that night, and told me he was praying on the way home from work and God told him the same thing. I got goosebumps, I tell you. We've had some other life changing, somewhat terrifying occurrences over the last few weeks. We'll leave these out of the equation, to uh preserve privacy, I suppose. Anyway...we're selling our house. 

Last night, we got a bit of discouraging news regarding the whole house selling adventure. Yet, I didn't feel discouraged. More curious. Excited about what God will do to lead us where he wants us. 

This morning, this verse was in my e-mail inbox. 

Now, I don't believe in coincidences. Not in the least. 

I got that overwhelming God feeling, and forwarded it to Jon. 

I know that if we don't sell our house, God did that. 

I know that if we do sell our house, God did that.

I know that where ever we are sent, and whatever we are to do, God had that in mind for us. It's part of His grand plan for our lives. All I have to do is have faith in Him and His master scheme for my, for our, life.  

I have faith that regardless of what He tells me to do, He will always always always sustain me. He will provide, protect, and love. Always. 

Jon's job has so many opportunities, and so many curve balls have been thrown our way over the last several years, I'm pretty much just antsy with anticipation.

So, I've buckled my seat belt. I've surrendered my wants. And I'm waiting ever so curiously as to what the next step is. 

As cliche as it may sound, I can't wait to see what God does next!! 

It's Been Awhile

It's been awhile since I posted.

I've began so many posts in the last few weeks. They have all ended up so angry and scary sounding I've been horrified to actually publish them. I was reading back on them earlier this week and I couldn't help but to cry uncontrollably. To know I'm feeling that much pain makes it that much more painful...if that even makes sense.

When I haven't posted in awhile, my soul gets dark. Maybe because I haven't had enough time to myself to actually write, or maybe because when one doesn't self express it squelches a part of their personality.

My heart has, once again, been filled with a bitter hate. Pray for me. Please. Things transpired have burned a part of me so badly that it feels beyond repair. Yet, I know with proper care, prayer, forgiveness, angry tears, and then of course, tears of a letting it go origin will I find healing and peace. Probably not for the last time. It seems as soon as I find healing and peace from one thing, another takes its place. I suppose that's what life is all about. Moving from one challenge to another. (Speaking of moving...we're moving. Physically. More details on that later. In the mean time, if you know someone looking for a house in the east mountains...send them our way. We're working with a Realtor as of last Monday.)

I need counseling. I know this. I don't know if it's pride, or fear keeping me from seeking the help I need. Probably some of both.

I can see the pain in my own face. I can feel the bitterness making my heart hard and not pliable. I can see the effects it's having on my life and those around me.

Right now, I'm feeling the pain. I'm letting it run it's course like I usually do. Maybe it's just that there is so much of it this time, that it's causing that much more damage to me spiritually and emotionally...and mentally.

Putting a smile on my face, and going on with my daily tasks seems to be getting more and more difficult. When people you're with on a daily basis start to notice, it's time to get things back in check. Or maybe just let them fall apart completely. Maybe that's where the putting back together stuff starts. I don't know.

I don't know what to do about all of this. Besides counseling. I suppose that's my answer, right now.

Regardless of this pain and well...trauma, I have an amazing man by my side. I have incredible children. All these beautiful people and so many others surrounding me. I am blessed. I know this. Yet these wounds fester and bleed.

I could continue this blog of self pity for awhile...but I'll stop myself.

I've started writing a book. I'll keep it's title a secret for now. As the next few months unfold, and things become more knowledgeable to the public, I'll announce it. One reason I'm telling you this is so you'll hold me accountable to finish the book. To have it professionally published. Ideally, I'd love to do a book tour, and tell my story.

I want people to know that regardless of dark times, and challenging years...or decades, there is hope. There is light. There is peace. There is guidance from an ever loving and present God. I so want to share my observations and learning of this part of my life.

All in due time.